Some thing I've bought recently/bored at night

China Glaze "Breakin'": not new, but I don't have any photos of it so far. I really like it.

I can't tell which picture is which now, so bear with me.

Swatches are as follows: NYX Lipliner Pencil in 840 "Rose", Rimmel Lasting Finish Lipstick in 900 "Pink Blush", Rimmel Lasting Finish Lipstick in 082 "Heavenly", and Rimmel Moisture Renew Lipstick in 940 "Berry Queen".

The others: Too Faced Eye Shadow in "Label Whore", NYX Runway Collection e/s palette in "Jazz Night", CeraVe Hydrating Cleanser, Cetaphil Antibacterial Gentle Cleansing Bar for Dry, Sensitive Skin, L'Oréal Paris Studio Secrets Professional Magic Perfecting Base, the lipliner, the lipsticks.

So far I absolutely LOVE Label Whore. It's gorgeous. It's very similar to MAC's "Club" eye shadow, but I like Too Faced better. I prefer the Rimmel Moisture Renew lipsticks to the Lasting Finish, though they are not especially moisturizing. I find both formulas to be drying. I was looking for the "Pink Chic" Moisture Renew l/s, but the only two left were damaged, so I found a similar color in the Lasting Finish line ("Pink Blush"), and I really like it. The L'Oréal primer is pretty good albeit extremely thick. It works, but I would not repurchase as it's only half an ounce for 14 USD or so, and the container is insanely small and impractical. I love "Heavenly" lipstick. Well, I love all of the lipsticks I bought. I haven't used the NYX palette at all yet, but I've swatched all the colors, and they're all gorgeous. They seem to be nicer than the single NYX eyeshadows, so that's a plus. The CeraVe cleanser is amazing, and I love it. A lot of people on MUA said that it clogged their pores, but I have not experienced that problem at all. The Cetaphil bar is really nice and cleans my face, and what else can I say about a bar of soap? It lacks sulfates, which is good for my dry skin. I love NYX lipliners, so that's all I need to say about that, except maybe the color is really pretty? It is. I am really into pink lipsticks at the moment, and I lack lighter pinks. I only have things like "Show Orchid" and stuff. I guess that's all I can say on that subject.

In other news, my friend did something stupid, and someone else is blaming me for it. It's not my fault at all. I can't really talk about it, and to be honest, I know said friend is in a good place, so I don't need to worry about it.

My school fucked me over yet again, so I'm finding a new one. It's going to be pretty difficult with my GPA being such crap, but I can find Something.

I haven't really been reading any books lately, too preoccupied with other things. I did, however, read Hiroshima by John Hersey for school, and I wrote a review on it for that class, but I won't post it here as it wasn't very good anyway. The only thing I want to say is that the book is Really good if you want to understand what happens when people experience total destruction. My teacher made it seem like it would be a book that would make all of us cringe and cry and have all other sorts of weird reactions, but I guess he has a weak heart. I only cringed when a man described trying to pull a woman up by her hands and having the skin of her hands "peel off like gloves" as that was pretty graphic and disgusting. Yes, it's sad, but I've read much worse, shockingly enough. My teacher apparently does not read the same types of non-fiction I do.

I hate the weather here.

Tests. MEEP.

I had a two question essay test in history today. I knew the answers, but I was having a lot of difficulty articulating them. :o/ My brain has been a bit scrambled this week (as I've been sick in an odd way), and I know the grade on the test won't be what I want. I also believe it is an extremely bad sample of my writing. My teacher will think I'm an idiot! but I think I answered the questions, which is the point.

D made me listen to new music in the car yesterday, and it was amazing.

He also bought me more books. I definitely needed them all. He bought lots of books for himself as well.

Philosophy is going well. I still need to go see an adviser and get all my stuff straightened out, but things keep distracting me and making me forget, like today I was stressing about my test. Maybe I'll go early tomorrow morning. I probably won't. I'll be there on Friday! Today my English teacher was using more references that I don't understand. I didn't do the reading, so I failed the reading quiz. :o(

I have lots of goodies coming in the mail. Yay.

Sleepy.

Still waiting for my birthday present. Hmph!

A friend ordered a movie for me. I'm awaiting its arrival (on Thursday? methinks).

I've been getting really sick in the mornings for the past few days, and that's no bueno, obviously. I have a test tomorrow, and I absolutely have to be at school at 8:30 A.M. to go to my philosophy class that I have missed like four times. I can't do that if I'm feeling woozy! I can't take a two question essay test if I'm feeling woozy, either. The last time I did that, I FAILED. Woozy be gone!

I am really excited for September because Bones is coming back. That's really all that matters in life. The new season of House looks stupid and just as annoying as all the others, so I'll pass. Even though all episodes of Bones are exactly the same way, I just can't stop watching it. BUT the best thing of all: SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE! I really shouldn't watch that show because I pick a favorite, get attached, and become really sad when that person inevitably leaves. Except not last season--Jeanine won! and she was in my top three. Oh well.

Also, it puts me one month closer to seeing New Moon. Hello.

I'm supposed to mail stuff today, and I need to do that now, but I can't because I'm feeling rather ill. The woozy. Very bad, very bad.

The natural food store next to my house is amazing.

I cannot choose a nail color for this week! :o/

A Few Things

I want to live in the merry old land of England because they get free things with magazines, like makeup items and clothes. Not fair.

I have a lot of books to read. I'll list them below.

A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole. I borrowed this from the love, and I am determined to have this finished this week. I find it very enjoyable, and it's also one of those books that a lot of people always say one must read in his or her lifetime. I'm reading it! And I love it so far. It is a win.

The Dharma Bums - Jack Kerouac. This I also borrowed, and I shall read it when I get to it.

The Jungle - Upton Sinclair. I've started reading this, and I like it so far. I just need to sit and read. It's difficult for me to sit and read.

Modoc - Ralph Helfer. I mentioned this one already. I have read a lot more of it since last discussed, and I like it. Again, it's just really difficult for me to sit and read.

Musicophilia - Oliver Sacks. This book and topic interest me very much, and I am very excited to get to it. I feel that it will be helpful to me.

Roman - Roman Polanski. He's my favorite director, and I'm very interested in his experiences during the Holocaust. He briefly touches upon them in the commentary in The Pianist, but I really want to read the whole story, then some. He's a character, and I like characters. This book was a gift.

The Royal Nonesuch - Glasgow Phillips. I just find it interesting.

Special Topics in Calamity Physics - Marisha Pessl. I've wanted to read this book for over two years. It is now in my possession, and it will be read. Again, I just have to sit and read.

Your Inner Fish - Neil Shubin. This book is about evolutionary biology/evolutionary anthropology, so why would I not want to read it? It directly pertains to my main area of interest, so of course, I need to read it. I can't begin to explain how pumped I am to start reading it and absorb all the information held within it, but suffice it to say ----my heart is racing. I love evolution. I love that branch of anthropology. This is mine! Sit and read.

I am hoping that once school starts I'll be able to sit at school and just read some of my books between working on school work. I purposely set up my schedule to allow myself time to sit around campus studying or reading or any other productive thing.

I stopped taking one of my medications because it made me feel physically unwell, but my therapist has an issue with that. My psychiatrist ignored me and refused to discuss it, so there is a fail there. I am still in my window of titration that I could resume the drug without any scary side effects (like the death rash)if I wanted. I don't think I want. I have to call my psychiatrist and tell him that I'm not taking it because I don't like it. Oy. Meds.

My birthday was ultimately a success. I got a lot of Smarties Lollies out of it. I also got a lot of salt water taffy. I had some alcohol, not enough. I was not drunk. I was slightly tipsy. I'll get good and drunk one of these days just because I can, except I don't like drunk. Oh well.

The color blue is calling to me.

No, I won't shed a tear, just as long as you stand by me.

"Stand By Me" is such a delightful song. It makes me happy when I am sad. Happy Sad. 

Oh, that's a photo of me admiring myself with my new handy, dandy pocket-mirror that was a special gift from a special friend in the land of fur coats and oil. It sounds glamour; I know. 

I am furiously voting for Jeannine on So You Think You Can Dance because she is fantastic, and I like her the best, though I have to say I really like Janette, too. And Brandon. Brandon reminds me of a panther, and I like panthers. I liked Kayla with the hip-hop zombie routine, but she has never been my favorite. Moving on. 

I hope everyone enjoys the new layout and music. 

I have not been feeling well lately, as I'm sure a few have noticed. Lots of Xanax, which I really do not like. I have been extremely agitated, as I said, and people really find it humorous. That is just sick. End. 

One of my medications causes migraines and joint pain, so the drug does lots of good things for me since I have been plagued by both since a (too) young age. And said medication will kill me if I take it with too many NSAIDS or migraine meds. WIN.

I have to drive to school in the morning to pay for my classes this semester, and I really do not want to go. I will probably still be sick, for one thing, and for another, the quickest route has become a cluster-fuck of doom. That's not even hyperbole! I was almost involved in two accidents that would have been no one's fault but the idiots in charge. There are a few shopping centers that cannot be accessed without making at least TWO U-turns. Who does that? Idiots. 

No. 1 rule in asking questions during a speech: you answer your own question. ^ I got a B. 

I wanted to take interpersonal communications this semester! It was not available. Assholes. 

Nothing to say. 

FIN.

School.

Today I decided to check my registration to see if there were any classes open that would actually count toward my major (aside from math), and I found one: CHEMISTRY! I have not been in a chemistry class in six years, and I am so excited. I love chemistry! After this semester, I have to take Principles of Chem. II, and I can take biology! I am so excited to be on the right track, finally. I didn't know I was allowed to take precal and chem at the same time, which is why I never did. Of course, this means I am going to have to do a ton of work this semester (and next semester, not more stupid biology), but I don't care: I am so happy that I am taking classes that matter to me. I am so happy to not be wasting time. I just hope they transfer. 

I do not know that I have much else to say. 

Good day. 

I registered for classes.

My schedule is as follows:

Mondays and Wednesdays:

Survey of Philosophical Thought 8:30 - 9:45 A.M.

World Literature II 10:oo - 11:15 A.M.

World History II 1:00 - 2:15 P.M. 

Tuesdays:

Principles of Chemistry I 1:00 -2:15 P.M.

Principles of Chemistry I (lab) 2:30 - 5:15 P.M.

Thursdays:

Principles of Chemistry I 1:00 - 2:15 P.M.

Fridays:

Precalculus (for the THIRD time) 8:00 - 11:45 A.M. 

I registered for 17 hours of classes. I always register for an extra class in case I have to drop something, and if I don't have to drop anything, yay classes! I'm pretty much taking classes for a double major in history and English at this point. I could not pick any classes, so I just picked random things. I wanted American literature, but none of the classes fits into my schedule. That makes me sad. There is always next semester. I also wanted to take fitness walking to get some exercise, but all of those classes were at awkward times of the day. 

School five days a week sounds like fantastic fun!

It's not raining! why?!

I've been going to sleep at a relatively early time every night, and that's nice and all, but it ultimately doesn't matter because I will inevitably wake up at six in the morning, take my medicine, and be back asleep by ten. From there, I will sleep until four or five, unless I have something I need to do, like I did on Tuesday. For the record, though, when I did all the things I needed to do on Tuesday, I went to sleep. This gives me a total of ten to twelve hours a day being awake. People wonder why I'm unproductive. It isn't my fault though. I literally get to a point in the middle of the day that I just cannot stay awake any longer. I get dead tired, as if I have not slept in days. I am blaming it on the medications, but I suppose it could be anything. It causes a lot of problems with school, since I usually plan my schedule to be an eight to twelve hour day, just to keep myself occupied. Last semester I had to give myself a four hour break in the day because I got totally screwed with registration, AND I needed to have that four hours to take a nap. 

In other news, the MAC Colour Craft collection was released online yesterday and is released in stores today, and I am not as thrilled with all the colors as I thought I would be, but there are two items that I really want and one that I really, really want. I am trying to tell myself that I really don't need any of it, but that's an impossible idea. It's nonsense. 

I have decided that my main problem is simply that I am severely over-stimulated. It's distracting. 

I really like my new nail polish. 

Now I am feeling very tired, and I shall take my daily nap.

Hard Boiled Wonderland And The End of The World

I finished it. The last few pages are really exciting, like you're going to turn the last page and have a One Hundred Years of Solitude moment. I didn't. I wanted the book to end the way it felt like it was going to end, not the twisted way it ended. I found that boring, and it left the book feeling unfinished in a really bad way. I am not impressed. This one will go at the bottom of my H. Murakami stack. 

I am trying to get my room clean (still), and I'm failing (still). I think I've figured out how I want to rearrange the furniture once I finish though. 

I am still dreading the birthday though I kind of want to get presents and go shopping. 

Also, I have to register for classes after 9 July. I have no idea what I will take. I'll just pick stuff. I'm kind of excited to go back to school, to do something. 

That fucking history class.

If I had just not taken that evil history class, the one I hated, the one I did not need to take, my GPA this semester would have been a 4.0. Since I took the stupid class, didn't drop it, got a D in the fucking class (ugh), my GPA for the semester is a 3.0, making my total GPA unpleasant. Fury. I don't know how I got an A in my Psychology and English classes considering that I didn't really do all that well in either of them. Perhaps my teachers fudged some things. Perhaps they realized my genius and figured my brilliance deserved an A even if my effort didn't. I don't know, but I'm glad at least that those two are As and looking beautiful on my report card. Along with that stupid D. And a W. The W is OK though. I have to figure out what I'm doing next semester. And do my FAFSA! shit. and yeah. I should look into application deadlines. My grades aren't as bad as I thought they'd be this semester. Perhaps I can transfer after all. 

Operation birthday present(s) is kind of finished. I have a teensy concern though. I'm hoping it's not a problem. Perhaps I'll call and check. I'm also hoping he can be on time. It's a timed thing. Can't be late. I'm driving, and I haven't got a good grasp on precisely where I'm going, so it's best to have squidge room, particularly since I tend to get very confused on highways. It's this decreased cognitive functioning. 

I hear my father arriving home. I am going to bombard him. HOT WATER. 

I just need to soak in the fact that I don't have to do anything for THREE MONTHS.

Three months gives me lots of time to ponder my life. I can figure out what's wrong with me. I can play with my meds more. I can get better. I can relax. I can go to the hospital if I want without stressing about missing something important! because sometimes I miss that place so much. I can go to the park and sleep on a bench. (except not) I can go to the library. I can sleep. (I hope) I can shop. (I could do that anyway) 

Which reminds me: I bought new nail polish! and a new eyeshadow. I don't know why I bought the eye shadow because it's green, and I have at least two green eyeshadows in that color already. Whatevs. I have it, and I have a plan for it. If only I had friends and stuff who went out with me, I could use these makeup plans. My life sucks. I am not who I was born to be.

The nail polish is a China Glaze cream color called Shower Together. It's from the Ecollection, which I love. I can't find all the colors at any stores around me, but I collect them as I find them. So I have two colors from it thus far. I have four from the summer collection. I don't like the summer collection all that much. I don't like glittery nail polish all that much. So. Shower Together is a gorgeous blue green, like a pretty ocean. (I have never seen a pretty ocean.) I painted my nails with Wild Mink (bright pink--gorgeous) last night when my hands finally stopped shaking, and they look OK. I also shortened all of them because I was just tired of them being super long. (stupid healthy nails) So my nails look good today. They'll probably look good for a week or so. It doesn't matter though because I'm not going anywhere. 

I was supposed to hang out with Robert today. I slept a lot today, and this morning I typed out the annotated bibliography and mailed it to my teacher, and I don't know. I am feeling particularly unwell. Just not good at all. 

I have a pretty good idea of what I shall discuss in my final essay for English, but I am not sure what I will do about the extra credit essay on Milton's Paradise Lost. It's only the first two books, but that is almost the problem for me. I don't know how to write about a part of something, not the whole. I don't know. I obviously don't have to do it because it's extra credit, but I have to do it because I got a 52 on the first test. And I have to do it well. 

Tomorrow I start studying for my history final. I am going to study so hardcore. I absolutely cannot fail. It is not a choice. 

I do not have to study very hard for my psychology final because it's easy, and it's stuff I already know, but we have to take two tests. Also, I never did the book report, and my teacher would not let me turn it in late, so I have a missing grade. I need to do well on the final to get like..a C probably. This semester is going to destroy my GPA, even if I don't fail anything. Ugh. 

I also must add that I am rather pleased to have found cute shorts that look cute on me. I happen to buy and own a lot of shirts that only look cute with shorts. So I need more than like one pair. I do have my safari shorts, of course, but I never go on safaris! Hmph. 

Forsooth.

I swear I'm not listening to Fall Out Boy. 

So—my mother consistently says she believes my therapist is useless. I tried to tell her that my therapist does quite a lot more for me than the psychiatrist, since all the doctor does is dole out medication and potentially harmful side-effects. My therapist tries to help me think about my problems, take responsibility for the things of which I am able, and be honest with myself. And she's done a good job. I'm better at understanding that I have a certain level of say-so in how I feel today or tomorrow or how I felt yesterday, and I have a say-so in how I deal with it, even if I have to fight with my head a little. I also understand that I cannot hide behind anxiety, which is a really easy thing to do. It's incredibly easy to run away from things when you have mental illness on your side, or in your head. "I can't deal with that because it makes me anxious." The more I say that, the more anxious I get, and the fewer things I am able to do. I still have to acknowledge the anxiety, but I should not hide behind it. That's not a happy existence at all. Anyway--she helps me with that stuff. That's more important than handing me some Xanax and telling me to do with it whatever I want (which is basically what the doctor does, very strange, these psychiatrists). 

I have definitely seen an increase in headaches since I started the new medication, but I have also seen an increase in pollen and stress and allergies going nuts. That's another thing my therapist helps me sort. Is this psychosomatic? Is this a real side-effect? Am I paranoid? I appraise things now. It's much safer that way. 

Today my mother took me shopping with her, and then she didn't buy anything for herself even though I totally kept trying to drag her to things she'd want to buy. I was done shopping for myself within fifteen minutes and tried things on and sorted through them and only bought five things. My mother proceeded to shop for my sister for about two hours. And she bought herself a pair of socks. Then we came home, and she complained that she didn't get anything for herself. She does that a lot. I think she needs it. Anyway, I got two pairs of super cute shorts and three shirts. Two of the shirts are t-shirts like the one in my post below with my beautiful nail polish. I absolutely love that particular t-shirt, so I bought a white one and a periwinkle one. I was going to get a turquoise-y one, but I decided to just leave it at three of the same shirt. I can go crazy buying the same shirt in millions of colors because I'm weird like that. This particular shirt happens to fit me really well and stuff, though. So hmph. And it's really soft. It's not cheaply made. I love it. And it gave me more purple in my closet. And who doesn't need a white t-shirt? I love it. Anyway, the last shirt I got is a really pretty, royal blue. I have been trying to add a larger variety of colors to my wardrobe lately. All I seem to have is lots of gray, black, and yellow. The two pairs of shorts I got are gray though. One has stripes with cute, white buttons on it, and the other pair is like..idk. They're cute, and they looked cute on me. They're a size 1. I haven't worn a size 1 since I was 13. Forsooth. That was fun to type. 

I love Savage Garden. And I am not ashamed. My iTunes just blessed me with TWO Savage Garden songs in a row on shuffle. Thank you, iTunes. I wonder why no one discusses them anymore. They're totally pop awesomeness. Seriously. 

I am very upset with this Seche Vite topcoat. I had it on my nails for three days, and the shit chipped. Actually, it peeled. I have this problem when I wash my hair of strands of hair sliding beneath my nail polish and peeling it off. I suppose the polish was too thick. At least, that's what I'm telling myself because I spend a lot of time and money making my nails look pretty (and trust me, it's my least favorite thing to do in terms of maintenance). Only one nail chipped. I will fix it, and I will leave the color on my nails. I'm not interested in redoing all of them right now, not with all these headaches. 

I am also really upset that I cannot find the fucking dry shampoo that I want at my Sally's. Why does my Sally's not have it? WHY?! Hmph. I am going to have to find one and buy it because it seems stupid to order it online when I'm sure there is another store nearby, or close enough that it's worth the trip. 

I want bath stuff. I have this urge to take a bubble bath, but I want a very specific sort of bubble bath. Someone buy me bubbles! I generally hate baths, except salt baths. I love salt baths. I should take a salt bath. My skin would be so happy. 

Everyone should take salt baths. 

I have become the bum friend who says "I'll totally send the fork in two weeks..." and then doesn't send the fork. I MUST SEND THAT FORK. I seem to have lost it again. As soon as the semester is over  (one class period! and then a week of finals! eep!), I am cleaning this fucking room. I need summer projects, and this room is a fucking mess. Today I found an old bra that a cat had peed on. I have no idea when this happened, but I have officially banned those beasts from my bedroom. Not only do they make me sick, but apparently they've been doing some unauthorized micturition, and that is unacceptable. Unacceptable. 

So---everything is going to be cleaned, and I'm going to vacuum, and I am going to clean my carpet. I used to do those things weekly, but then I got --sicker and anxious-er and busier (shocking) and just lost my drive. My room used to be pristine. I miss those days. They shall soon return with a vengeance. And while I'm at it, I need to repaint one of my walls. I'm not sure if I still have the paint though. I'll have to ask my dad. Or maybe I can paint it a different color. Pink? Oooh turquoise! That would be pretty, considering that was the original color scheme. And that matches my bed set, if I ever decide to use it. I also need something else on my window. I hate blinds of any sort. I really need super thick drapes that keep out the hot and cold temperatures and the evil light, since I hate all of those things, and I can move them in the mornings (or whenever) when I do my makeup, since that's the only reason I need a window. 

One thing I have always really liked about this fucking house that I hate is that the yard is fantastic and never gets hot. It gets a bit swampy-feeling and mosquito-y, but mosquitoes don't like me, so that's not an issue. It's always really cool in my yard, so it's not too bad to go outside and sit in the summer time because there are so many trees keeping the air nice and cool and oxidized. <-- That's not really the right word to use, but it was fun. Oxygenated. Oxygenated is the correct word, but oxidized is so much more fun. I miss chemistry! And I still want the giant poster of the periodic table of elements to put on my wall. I have to rearrange the furniture in here, too. The bed needs to be on the other side of the room. The chi in here is not good. Yes, I just said CHI. I sound like a bi-polar right now. Awesome. 

I guess I'll go to sleep now. Again. I have been sleeping way too much lately. Way too much.

I just realized that tomorrow I have to run to the library and get that book I need to read for my psychology class because the report is due on Monday. Fuck my weekend. I have too much to do, but I shall focus, and I will get it done (because it's really not that much). I have to do a bit of research on a couple of writers, some historical background, and I have to e-mail my partner, type out the annotated bibliography, plan my speech --sort of, and read that book and write about it. DONE. Two days. Well, two and a half days for the English stuff. I will get it done. 

I really want Vanilla and Mutiny pigments from MAC. Mutiny is limited edition and currently being re-promoted. I need it. I need it. I need it. It's so gorgeous. 

A Break from The Crazy

I fucking love giant microbes, and I believe my nerd status is totally validated by the fact that I desperately want to own the Bacteriophage Giant Microbe, as seen on my wish list. It is purple and black. And it's a giant bacteriophage! EEP. 

On another note, I'm considering sexual psychology. I figure I like sex studies (I read those books all the time and creep people out by telling them what happens to their insides when they have sex), and I like psychology (shocking, yeah?), and I'm already a biology student. It makes sense! 

Compulsions, forgetting, shopping, and how it all affects my mood.

If we're all aware that I've got a moderate-severe case of OCD, then we know that I sometimes act compulsively, give in to compulsions, or feel compelled to do strange things. And obsess. It's really fun. 

So I have this compulsion, occasionally, to buy things. If you've read the blog, the whole thing, you should notice that I have, in the past, said that I just "need to have new things" sometimes, at random times. I'm almost like that person with the house full of weird objects that are covered in dust, almost. Because of this compulsion I have boxes and boxes of shoes I don't wear, really cute dresses that I never wear, books that I don't have time to read, movies I won't bother watching, glitter palettes that I will never use, ten different mascaras, tons of different moisturizing products, four different shampoos, five leave-in conditioners, and who knows how many makeup brushes. 

The worst part is that I hate things. I hate having Things. I hate being surrounded by Things. All of these Things cause me a lot of stress.  Things, things, things. Things. Things drive me crazy, yet my first crazy compels me to want and buy and fill my space with Things. Fuck my life.

I forget to take my meds a lot. This happens. When this happens, I feel like shit, and I don't want to do anything but wallow in my pain and whatever else I'm feeling as a result of not remembering to take my meds. This means I miss important classes. I miss important things. Then, after I've missed these important things I decide to check if I took my meds, and look---I didn't. I did not take my fucking meds. So this whole fucking myself over hardcore thing could have been avoided if I'd just taken the fucking pills. Seriously---that's just stupid. 

Yesterday love dove and I visited his parents who happen to live close to outlets, and that means CCO, and that means I had to go shopping. I practiced very serious restraint and only bought two things, but it was very difficult. I bought MAC MSF natural in medium (which is not my color) and an eyeshadow I didn't need because I'm sure I already  have that color, but oh well--it was discounted! Again with the compulsions. Then I started feeling very ill and unwell, as I always feel when I visit his parents' new home. I blame the drive. 

And this morning I ordered a nail polish. It's green and cute. After that, an octopus pendant arrived. Then a few more nail polishes arrived. And I still don't have pink nail polish. How odd. 

And all this while I wasn't at school learning and getting my money's worth (or, rather, my parents' money's worth) because I forgot to take my medicine. 

This all makes me want to hurt myself. It damages my self-esteem, and most importantly, it damages my GPA. If I could cry, that's what I'd be doing. If I could panic, that's what I'd be doing. But I can't. And I shouldn't anyway. I fucked up. I am a little fucked, maybe. Life is about more than a GPA. This will not ruin my life. This will not kill me. It is OK. 

Right? 

Maybe. 

P.S. my boyfriend is an amazing human being and should be canonized in all four possible ways. 

Confessions.

Very quickly I must confess that yesterday morning as soon as I woke up I ran to Target to buy Twilight on DVD. I just had to see it Right Then. And it is Horrible. It is worse than the books. And twinkling when Edward goes in the sunlight? Dude. Chees-y. The only good thing about this movie is the score. That man, Carter Burwell, is a genius! The director is an idiot, Catherine Hardwicke. I really like Kristin Stewart even though sometimes she's really awkward and not really doing a good job, but I just like her. I want to pet her or something. They totally didn't follow the book, and I have no idea how anyone who worked on this project is proud of themselves. Except Carter Burwell. And Kristin Stewart for being cute, all the time. Robert Pattinson = suckage. And why did they make him So Incredibly Unattractive? Is Edward not supposed to be super smoking hot? Did I read that wrong? No, I didn't. The casting director is an idiot, and the makeup artist is, too. And so is anyone else who thinks he's hot. He's NOT. In fact, I think this book really just should have been left alone, as a book series. It's not Harry Potter. It was bad in the first place, so why go make it worse and turn it into an even worse movie? And who the hell chose what's her name to play Rosalie? She's a little chunky and not even pretty enough to be Rosalie. wtf? You take a bad book, and you turn it into an even worse movie, and you can't even cast people correctly?! The only one who was casted perfectly was Bella. Kristin Stewart is awkward and Bella-ish. Everyone else was a bit off. The whole thing was bad. I mean---I'll still watch it. It's mildly entertaining, and I did spend $20 on it. I don't hate it. I am just confused at how anyone is not taking this as a spoof. And they should have known better than to take that book and make it into a movie. There were too many things in the book that were difficult to show and bring alive, physically. Especially since they didn't have the Harry Potter team with them. I shouldn't compare it to Harry Potter. HP PWNS. TWILIGHT LOSES. 

My mood is a bit better. Love dove has promised some CCO shopping this week, and I am super excited. We were supposed to go today, but his dad was like "no no no I want to go salksldkfasjdflkdf" thus ruining MY plans of spending tons of money. It was his birthday yesterday though, so I guess it's OK. Love dove said Tuesday. I shall cross my fingers, and I shall hope that my phone is here by then. It should be here very soon. And I will try not to spend too much money. I really only want a few things, eyeshadows, powder or two, maybe lipstick. NOT a lot. I swear. I swear. 

I ordered some nail polishes. I have no idea when they will arrive. It has not showed up on my bank statement yet. I ordered some stuff from American Apparel because I felt like I needed it after my horrible day (Monday when my phone was stolen), and there were a few things I really, really super wanted. I also ordered my new flat iron with the free blow dryer and some new heat protectant to test it out. I forgot to order a new epilator. Hmph. Birthday presents! I ordered some Stila stuff. I love Stila. Love. I ordered a lot of stuff, so I have lots of stuff coming my way very soon! Yay! My phone should arrive first, then the American Apparel. I have no idea when the flat iron is coming. The order hasn't been fully processed yet. The Stila stuff is being shipped as we speak. So I'm good on that stuff. No More Shopping. I also bought a scarf and a handbag from Target. I think that's all I got there, though. Oh, I got some lipstick. It's Rimmel something or other in Airy Fairy. It's a very pretty pink color. Goodness, I shop a lot! I should buy some new underclothes. MY DOG KEEPS EATING THEM. He's a bad dog. 

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I must remember to send the fork to T before I turn into that asshole who is like "just a few more weeks, and I'll get it done" and then never gets it done. I suck. 

So--I dropped my math class. I never went, and I didn't want to get an F, so I just dropped it. I'm not full-time anymore, and that's fine with me. I really didn't like taking that class anyway. I seem to be doing OK in every other regard. Well, not really. I'm fucking up hardcore. My moods. I have to get this shit under control. It is really bad. I am unable to motivate myself to do much of anything. I have been sleeping on and off for days. So at least I am getting sleep sometimes. Some days I dont' sleep at all. Some days that is all I do. I need to call my psychiatrist, but I don't feel like dealing with the bureaucracy of doing that. 

I have more money in my bank account than I thought I did. So I've either done my math wrong and spent money I've forgotten about, or I'm awesomely NOT spending too much money. Yay me! I really really want my flat iron to get here. I want to try the new blow dryer more than anything, but I really need a new flat iron. My other one is all tired and whatnot. I've dropped it too many times. I was going to get a more expensive flat iron, but I figure since my hair is only slightly wavy, I don't need any super heavy duty awesome flat iron. I just need one that works. So I'm buying one that works. And it's pink! Just like my other one. The happy thing is that the new blow dryer will match it, and it's from the same company. I like that. 

I've been printing out all my wish lists for my birthday just to give them to Love Dove, but it's mostly to keep myself from adding more to them. I don't want to waste paper, so I don't want to add more things to it and have to print out another copy. So I'm printing them all out to help him in his search for the perfect gift, and I'm keeping myself from overwhelming him (all of them have many overlapping items which should give him a pretty good indication of exactly which things to purchase). I love his gifts more than anything. He always gives me the perfect thing, even if I don't tell him what to get. Of course, there is no topping last year's gift. He rules. I must buy him some amazing thing(s) for his birthday. I have a few ideas, but I'm not sure. I want to make sure that I'm buying something he'll want, and not something I want for him. Comprendez? 

I am sleepy. And babbling. 

The new puppy is a nuisance. He wakes up before me every morning and doesn't wake me up to let me know he needs to go outside to relieve himself. He just does it on my carpet. BAD DOG. All he has to do is bite my face or something, and I'll take him out, but noooooooooooooo he just hops off the bed and shits in the floor. Luckily he's a small dog. End of shit talk. 

Good day! 

My birthday, school, etc.

I did not get any cake for my birthday. What I got was MAD and ugly tan lines. And a headache. AND PRESENTS! I love presents.
Fiancé took me to see Kathy Griffin, my favorite, but he's not finished with my presents yet he says.
Placebo was super awesome. Duh.

School is lame. I am usually really excited about starting a new semester, but this semester started on a very bad note. I simply can't be excited about it. It's sad.

My sister is babbling to my brother's friend about her toys, as if he cares. Children!

I really, really like random tags.