New Roller Lash!

Benefit Cosmetics LLC

20 July 2009

Feeling vulnerable and sad and in need of a hug.

My moods are not stable enough considering the amount of medication I take. Perhaps I have been misdiagnosed. Perhaps this is what being normal is like. I would never know.

My nerves feel exposed, and I have needed to take 3+ mg of Xanax every single day, which is for my prescribed dosage, an overdose. I have not been very calm, and I have found that a few people have found it quite humorous to goad me, to upset me, to make me more anxious. I find this unfriendly, offensive, hurtful, inconsiderate, and in extremely poor taste. I do not respect people who find it amusing to push me to a point at which I feel overwhelmed with nerves, as if they are all on icy-fire, and extremely panicky. I suppose that people who do not have panic disorder do not understand that the slightest upset can (not always) cause a panic attack, so I can forgive those whom I know do not understand. There are others to whom I have spoken in confidence about how my brain seems to function, and some of them (not going to name names) still find it humorous to upset me. They go out of their way to do it. They find it humorous. And it is not funny to cause someone physical and emotional pain. I am unsure what kind of person does that, what makes him or her behave that way, but I will only take so much of it. We all have breaking points. Mine is rather far off. I will take a lot of crap from people because I truly believe the Buddha was right, and there is no blame to be placed upon these individuals. However, I am not the Buddha or any bodhisattva, and I will eventually snap, call you out on your bullshit, and I cease to care how it might make you feel, as you have exhibited a lack of care for how I feel for months, maybe years. People take advantage of my honesty, my openness about mental illness and how it affects me, my inability and unwillingness to feel ashamed, and I find that deplorable. That is not how a friend should ever behave, and trust me; I know who is my friend and who is not, and who never was. I have never been a fool in that arena, and I have always been a very skilled actress (ask my theatre teachers). 

In other news, I have been able to re-secure my classes for next semester, and I will be paying for them bright and early tomorrow morning. The bad news is that I may not be able to buy my medication that I need to, like, live, literally. It will be handled. My parents are incompetent morons who need to take some valium (and stop being so fucking selfish), but I will ensure that it is handled. I'm not interested in dying this week, and I'm especially not interested in confusing the chemicals in my brain either. My parents make me want to kill myself. It is the most poisonous environment I can imagine. I would rather live my entire life in a psychiatric hospital than be in the company of those people. I discussed it in therapy, and all my therapist could say was "why are you still there?" I cannot function without their idiocy. 

I have a social outing planned this week which requires me taking a long-ish drive to funtabulous place to do funtabulous things. I am trying to think of the best route to take. Having driven to this place multiple times over an entire summer for a fantastic job that I miss, I know several routes. I must choose the one with which I feel most comfortable on that day. Social outings are fun. 

Thursday should also be full of excitement, and if it is not, I swear I will cry. Over the weekend I experienced disappointment after disappointment after disappointment, and if I must have another one, I know I will not handle it well, especially with my nerves in their current state. I am supposed to see D whom I have not seen in a week. Thursday will be a week and four days, assuming things go according to plan. When my nerves are in this condition, I truly need him. He is unavailable. He is always unavailable. I may as well not have a boyfriend at this point. I am OK with things the way they are, except when I feel this way I find it rather inconvenient. 

I bought socks yesterday. Since it is summer and all, Target has all of their amazing thigh-high sweater socks on clearance for under 5USD, which pleases me greatly. I love thigh-high sweater socks, so I bought two pairs. I passed the mascara I desperately want to try because I already have one mascara that I have yet to use, and I hate to put my mascara in a position to be wasted. I was going to go to Ulta to purchase my favorite Jane mascara in abundance because I cannot find it anywhere else, but I decided I didn't want to buy it as there are other mascaras in the world.
I then wandered around the store swatching various eyeliner pencils. The Urban Decay 24/7 liners are absolutely fantastic. They come in gorgeous colors, go on very smoothly (no tugging), and they do not smudge once placed. I rubbed over each of them with my finger, and not one of them budged. Even when I got home to remove them from my hand, they took a little effort to remove but not enough that it would be painful on the eye. I also tried a couple of face primers that I have been eyeing. Both were phenomenal, and both are 30USD each. It may be worth it to have a fantastic primer. I am unsure as of right now. I played with the UD liquid liners as well: they too do not smudge. I am very, very impressed with them. The Stila kajal pencils go on smoothly, but they smudge even after a long setting period. I tried some Too Faced liquid metal liners, and they were crap. I found a gorgeous blush: peach by Too Faced. 

I also received my MUA package today. I received NYX black lip gloss and NYX Mermaid Green eye shadow. The eyeshadow is the same color as Warm Chill, except more pigmented. Woe. 

I am done.

No comments: