I don't really have much to say.

I've been experiencing a high level of anxiety lately, so I have been utilizing my prescription medications, which I never do, in order to not drive myself crazy in the middle of the night. I am sure that if I had always done that, I probably would not have made so many stupid decisions in the past. Oh, the past. Sometimes it's so hard to let it go and look forward, but if there is not much to which to look forward, how do you make yourself do it? I try. I am trying. I have faith in justice.

I'm just listening to Amanda Palmer and the Dresden Dolls right now. There isn't any other music in my collection that I want to hear.

Last night I slept a normal amount, and I woke up at a brilliant time, perfect for getting things done that I needed to do. Unfortunately, after my shower and makeup application, something clicked in my head that made me sad and lethargic, so I went back to sleep. I slept almost the entire day. I definitely got a lot of sleep today. Maybe I really needed to get all that sleep. I do feel a lot better in terms of the anxiety I have been experiencing. I also just took a bunch of medication to help me be calm, so I can go to sleep at a normal time tonight. I need to go to the bank and deposit my check from my last job.

I was cast as an extra in a movie called Terminal, but I didn't actually do anything on film. I sat in holding for five hours, and I still got paid. At least half of the people cast were also sitting with me. I'm not sure why they hired so many people when they were not going to use all of us. Oh well.

I am getting awfully sleepy. I guess it's time I went to sleep.

Lalala.

I painted my nails.

That's Dazzle by Orly. It's pretty true to the color in the bottle. That's also only one coat. Pretty good, I'd say. 

So I'm in a pretty bad mood, as per usual. And appropriately enough, "You Just Can't Smile It Away" by Bill Withers just popped up in my iTunes. It's really not that appropriate, but it sounds like it is. Fun times. 

There is absolutely no relief. I don't want normal feelings anymore. I want no more feelings. It's exhausting. 

I bought new sandals. They're cute. They are red and gold. 

I pretty much want to kill myself just for the fuck of it. I know that's not normal. But looking at it rationally--what else would I do? continue going to school to no end. stay with my parents who resent me for, like, breathing. continue to not get a job? I'm a failure. That's all I have to say. 

Other news, I am kind of a little bit interested in the Colour Craft collection coming out in a few days from MAC. I might need a couple of those MSFs. 

I want to clean my room. I can't do it. Again, I am a failure. 

Miles Davis = brilliant muzac. 

Oh and my boyfriend has decided that today he should be aloof and unavailable, not that I have anything to say. 

I have retinol on my face. I forgot that it dries the skin like it's pure alcohol or something. Oh, and I have really dry skin, fyi. 

I'm tanning again. I am starting to become nauseated by the smell of fake tanners, but I am more nauseated by the idea of skin cancer, so that's OK. I don't have a problem with pale skin though. I have a problem with my skin being like "oh no I can't be one color--I need to be blue and purple, too". I have to cover the death somehow. 

Like O, Like H by Tegan and Sara is such a good song. 

I wish my MacBook was dirt proof. It's a bitch to clean. 

My head hurts. I can't concentrate on books to read them. I can't really sit and watch a movie either. I'm considering going pretend shopping or something. 

Except I can't go pretend shopping because I can't drive because I just took three different kinds of tranquilizers. If I don't feel better in half an hour, I'm going to be mad, for obvious reasons. 

A few reasons to at least live out the month of July: Public Enemies, Harry Potter, some other movies. After that is my birthday, and I'm not interested in knowing how pathetic I'll feel on my birthday, so I'd rather pretend it's not happening (but with presents, assuming I'm not dead). 

How much does this resemble a year ago? I bet it's a lot. 

I do so love these things.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
My Bionic Eyes - Liz Phair.    I'm not sure I've ever listened to this song---ever.

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Jesus Was Way Cool - King Missile

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Blue Dress - Depeche Mode. No, not so much.

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Yesterday's Headlines - Good Riddance

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Field Below - Regina Spektor. But I like cities! 

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Blood on Our Hands - Death From Above 1979. Hmmm...

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Jenny Was A Friend of Mine - The Killers. Sure.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Cherry Blossom Girl - Air. Um---I mean I like him. He's not a girl though. I do like a girl. I haven't seen her in a while. Hmph.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Ontogeny - Jason Webley. Absolutely perfect.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Runs in The Family - Amanda Palmer.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Good Time - Brazilian Girls. 

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Opium - Marcy Playground. 

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Autobiography of A Nation - Thursday

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
I know I know I know - Tegan and Sara

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Tokyo - The Books

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Samson - Regina Spektor. No.

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Ghost Man on Third - Taking Back Sunday

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Leif Ericson - Interpol

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
OK - Holly Conlan

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
 Sorry Bunch - The Dresden Dolls

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Missing The War - Ben Folds Five

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Wonderman - Atom & His Package

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Naked in The City Again - Hot Hot Heat

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
PDA - Interpol

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
You Never Give Me Your Money - The Beatles

Distracted!

Quick Review - That BioInfusion shampoo and conditioner duo SUCKS. It didn't clean my hair, and there is so much peppermint oil in it that it burned my eyes as soon as I opened the bottle. I do not know what I will do with it, but at least they are sample bottles. 

For some reason when I went to Sally's to buy dry shampoo (which they didn't have) I ended up buying Beyond the Zone Split Mender despite the fact that I already have a product for that, AND three nail polishes that I definitely didn't need. They are pretty though. They are from China Glaze's summer collection: Grape Juice (which is on my nails now), Orange Marmalade, and Watermelon Rind, which is the prettiest of all but not as summery to me. I don't think "summer" when I see dark, glittery green. I think autumn. I am still waiting on my other nail polishes to arrive (including the Good basecoat and the Good topcoat. Those two things are what I really want. I am giving the company until Wednesday to notify me of shipping, or I'm canceling the order. That's $25 I can put to better use. Also, the company promises to ship within 24 hours. Yeah. Didn't happen. I'm not happy. 

I have figured out part of D's birthday present, finally. I get totally freaked out every time his birthday comes, not only because the first one with him sucked, but because I have to buy him the perfect thing! And he is very nonspecific. He does not understand that he has to give me a direction for gifts. 

Amidst all of this I have to say that the Twilight soundtrack is really good (who would have thought?), and there is a song by Linkin Park on it that is actually not that bad. I give it three stars. It's a perfect funeral song, except a little too poppy. I've already told my parents that I want a funerary violinist playing Babcotte's Dirge at my funeral, and that's what I'd better get, damn it. Yes, I have planned my funeral. Yes, I am very strange. (but what else would one expect from a person who attempts suicide and is constantly thinking of new and better and more practical ways of doing so?) 

I am also supposed to be studying for my biology test. Wow. I'm not even taking biology this semester (even though it's my major and all). Psychology. Psychology test. Instead, I am typing this blog while I update my iTunes. Yippy Skippy. I am sure to fail it anyway since I missed two weeks of class due to debilitating depression. You know how it goes; or do you? 

Also, I bought the Everyday Minerals sample kit (it's free, you only pay shipping which is $3.), and I really love the stuff I got, particularly the blush. I might order the starter kit or just the blush by itself because I like it so much. It complements my skin tone perfectly.

Regina Spektor, how I love thee!

So I love Regina Spektor TOO MUCH. She's too cute. And her music rocks, obviously.
Piano! I love it.

So, my internet has been quite finicky. Fucking finicky internets! Not good. So I go to school and run to the public computers with this feeling of absolute ecstasy because I can gaze upon the beauty of THE WORLD WIDE WEB once more! And also check MySpace. It's important.

Musics! Muzak. OMG why does Firefox not underline MUZAK as being spelled incorrectly? WTF?

I just watched the Britney video. Awww! Depression.

My toe hurts.

I need that Juicy Couture!
Haute couture? (high fashion, yo yo yo)

I like the word "couture."
And "dubious."
You and your dubious tastes. Bitch.

So I think I finally want to go to New Zealand. I can't go when I want to go, sadly, but I'll make sure to plan on it. Pencil it in, you know.

I wrote an essay in 15-20 minutes, and I got a B-. Why? I don't proofread! I had time to make sure it was perfect, too. I do this so much. I miss little details, and those little details keep me from my A's.
I wish I had the patience to check my things, especially my math. I have been missing negative signs lately. I don't know why. I've never done that one before.

I feel much less sick than I have been the past couple of days.
OH MY JOY!

I am currently reading three books. The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov, Notes from Underground by my most beloved Dostoevsky, and White Oleander by Janet Fitch.
The Master and Margarita, so far, is pretty SUH WEET, but I am not sure I trust the particular translation I have. I compared it to two others, but something about it irks me. Because I plan to really buckle down and speak as-close-to-perfect-as-I-can-possibly-get Russian (and read), I'll just read it in Russian. In fact, I'll learn Russian just to read it in Russian. Because I like Russian anyway. And those Russians. I love their works, so why shouldn't I read them in their original versions? Exactly.
Notes from Underground is rocking like mad. I love it. I love most of Dostoevsky's work anyway though. I am biased! Anyway, it is good. That is the point I am trying to make. Love.
White Oleander is pretty iffy for me. I like it, and I dislike it. It goes in a lot of different directions. There are too many things happening in such an order. It just yo-yo's between good and bad over and over again. Too obvious if you ask me. It is much too girl like for me; I think. I am not positive. I just know that I don't typically like extremely feminine subjects. I don't think the book is intended to be quite as female as it is. It is too obvious that a woman wrote it is what I mean, and that bothers me. I dislike women who constantly play into feminine stereotypes, and that's exactly what Janet Fitch has done. She has even made the characters in this book fit them all too well. It's obvious that a few aren't really supposed to be interpreted that way, but there is no other way to see them. I probably shouldn't put any of this into a blog. Now every asshole who reads it is going to think I hate women, put women down, etc. Perhaps that rant is for the other blog! (The rant about how completely stupid people are. Oy oy oy!)

I think I should start reading books in French. My French is dying, and I hate to feel it. I hate to see or hear something in French, know it is French but only be able to understand a small part of it. Bothersome! I should start writing in French again as well. Perhaps that would help. We'll see.


P.S. I really love random tags.