Wet'n'Wild

Any time I enter a drugstore, I am drawn to the Wet'n'Wild section of the cosmetics. I am interested in almost every product released from this company, and I know that I love the MegaShine lip glosses as well as the gel eyeliner. I bought another lip gloss and the tinted moisturizer today. I just had to do it! I'm very interested in trying some of their eyeshadows, but I haven't presently got a place to put any new makeups! I need to buy more storage drawers.

My gall bladder is on the fritz. That really sucks, obviously. It hurts so bad. I have attacks in the middle of the night. I don't want to have to go to the hospital, but that will likely happen in the near future. I am trying to get to the doctor first, though. I cannot eat any fried foods before going to bed. I really should not eat any at all, but fries and such are very tempting, particularly when paired with ranch dressing. Last night I had some Kartoffelpfannkuchen(?) (LATKES) which really set it off. I woke up around four and thought I was dying.

I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow. I have to go to school to see an advisor. I have lunch with the boyfriend. Hang out time with the bff? maybe.

I want a strawberry mojito. I will see what I can do about this at lunch with the boyfriend. Seeing him will be nice.

Well, since my medicine is going to kill me.

I was out, and I came home, and my lungs hurt, and my throat hurts, and I feel really, really awful. I have used my inhaler like ten times, and well, that's not good. I guess I will call my doctor on Monday and get some stupid fucking "diagnosis" from my doctor. I am sure it will just be spring allergies aggravating my asthma. The usual. 

I really like the Voile slimshine from MAC. Thanks, love dove! It looks really good on my lips. 

I do NOT understand how people make videos for YouTube where they just talk. I am possibly entering a contest, and I could either do a live video or a photo montage, and I tried to do a video, but I felt really stupid talking to my computer, so I stopped. I can't do it. Photo montage it will be! I made my brother take pictures of my makeup for me since I apparently have Parkinson's. It actually came out really well, considering that I put like 10 minutes into it. It looked exactly as I meant it to look, which is rarely the case with me and my makeup. Unfortunately, it wasn't necessarily pretty because I meant for it to be slightly garish, and that's how it looked. Yay me! And I got waterproof lash glue in my eye. That was awful. 

I have set up another swap on MUA, but I forgot that I can't mail out my stuff until later this week. The person with whom I have arranged the swap is in Canada (boo higher shipping cost), and I am sending a liquid (which BLOWS) and some extra stuff, but she's so nice. She's like "so what else would you like me to send you?" as it is customary on MUA to send extras when swapping. Any extra makeup I have, I've either used (but not often) or give away or thrown away or something stupid, so I'm like "what extras can I send?!" I found some random lip gloss samples that I have (unused, obviously), and a moisturizer sample, and stuff along with the actual swap item. The shipping cost should be lower than the the total price of all the stuff I am sending. Since she lives in Canada, I know she cannot easily obtain the items I am sending, which pleases me. I cannot decide if I should send a lotion sample as well, in the same scent of the spray I am sending. Bath products are the only things I have that I don't use. So...

So about this illness type thing, I am a bit concerned. (Yoda ftw) I was visiting my cousin and her mini earlier, so I'm hoping that I am not incubating an infectious disease as I'd feel like an asshole if I made a baby sick. The small one got the hiccups while I was holding her. I forgot how nervous babies make me. Newborns scare the shit out of me because they feel so fragile, of course. She is awfully cute though. At least she's not one of those funny looking babies. Because it's all about outward appearances, obviously. 

I am trying to finish THE BOOK this week. It will not happen. I am a failure. 

I have no idea what to do with my time right now. I am tired, but I cannot sleep. 

My skin feels really dry, and I feel like just rubbing my shea butter stick all over my face, but since I use it as a lip balm, I'm sure that would be really gross. 

My brother counted my shoes today. He missed quite a few pairs though. I suppose the count is about forty or so. NOT ENOUGH. And he keeps trying to steal my Minolta. 

I should do laundry. 

I want to be asleep right now.

Seriously. 

My mind cannot focus long enough for me to finish my brilliant thoughts. I started to write something about my philosophies on certain things, and I lost my train of thought within three sentences. This problem is not new, though. The only time I am able to write a lengthy piece on anything is when it is for school, and it has a due date, and I am given some kind of direction. 

I am very seriously considering making a documentary. I really want to, but I don't currently have the proper equipment. Luckily, I am capable of getting my hands on the proper equipment if need be. I must put together a plan, and I will see how I feel about it. I feel very bouncy and creative lately. 

I plan to do some shopping today, as usual. I hope my medication will help with this. I don't want to feel like I need this, letting it control my emotions. I don't like it. Really. 

I am supposed to see my cousin and the baby on Sunday (or Monday), but I seem to have caught the nasty cold my parents have, and there is no way in hell I'm going to give this shit to a newborn. Besides, I'll probably be in hospital by then. I am terrified of this cold. I am terrified of getting really sick. I am just terrified. 

So my boyfriend had a pretty good opportunity to visit me at a decent hour, like when I'm not supposed to be sleeping, and he opted not to do so. I cannot accurately describe the way this makes me feel, but really---I tire of these things very quickly. He does not seem to understand the way I operate, and though my medications have certainly mellowed the sharper edges of my personality, I am still capable of being just as aloof as ever and forgetting and letting go and not being concerned about it. I don't believe he understands how I've handled all previous relationships, romantic or otherwise. I suppose he has been conditioned to believe I am needy enough to sit around waiting. I'm not. 

^^ That doesn't mean anything significant. 

I will return to my sleep attempts now.

Birthdays and Being Realistic

Today is my lovey's birthday, and I am super excited because I feel like I have finally had the chance to give him a really cool birthday present. I feel like I always give him really lame gifts. :o/ I hope this one is spectacular and that he loves it and all that cool stuff. 

I have been playing around with my nail polishes, and I decided that for this week my nails will be coated with OPI's Clubbin' Til Sunrise and China Glaze's Orange Marmalade. They make a really nice combination. It's very pretty and orange and glittery and nice. I also think that it will go really well with Love Dove's and my birthday activity tomorrow! :oD There was a more appropriate color I thought about using, but I was really in the mood to play, so I'm playing. Of course, in the process I managed to get nail polish on my new quilt! I hate myself. 

I am really, really anxious about tomorrow because I am horrified that something will go horribly awry, and I just want everything to be happy and fun and perfect. I have knots in my tummy! No party here! and I can't sleep, though I need to sleep really well in order to really give Love Dove a spectacular birthday. I haven't been this anxious in almost a year. I am so unaccustomed to feeling this way all of a sudden. It used to be routine. I like that it's not, but I really don't like it! Ugh. 

I am trying to form a realistic wish list with items that I can actually afford to buy for myself on a regular basis. I make these kinds of lists to remember things I want to try and remember things I really like and want to continue purchasing/using. Believe it or not, I can forget anything. 

This list includes a few unique makeup brushes (which generally don't need to be repurchased), one mascara, two or three eyeshadows, a couple of eyeshadow palettes (that won't need to be repurchased for a really long time), and more MSFs from MAC. 

My NYX Doll Eye mascara should be on its way to my house, assuming the person with whom I arranged the swap isn't a nasty swaplifter. It's OK if she is, but I'd like to get something out of it. I checked her swap tokens and all that stuff, and she had positive reviews, so I assume she's good for it. I cannot wait to try it. The problem is that I have already found my Holy Grail mascara, so why do I need to try more? Probably because my Holy Grail mascara is amazing and expensive as shit. But it's good, very good. I love it. 

Now I think I can manage sleep or something close. 

I am angry.

Very angry. My brother is laying around being a lazy ass instead of pursuing his passion and letting me reap the benefits. By benefits I mean good pictures of myself to show to people. I must say that he is the only person who photographs me well. Every other time, I look hideous. Maybe I am hideous, but it doesn't change the fact that I never look hideous when he photographs me. So I'd really appreciate to have these photos. Or to see them, at least. WHY CAN I NOT HAVE ONE SIMPLE THING ABOUT WHICH TO FEEL GOOD? 

Love dove bought me the rainbow quilt. I am most pleased. I have to plan his birthday. It's difficult and stressful and making me unhappy. I don't think I can do what I want to do with this, and well--I don't think he fucking cares. In fact, I get the idea he'd rather do something else with someone else, which makes me feel like shit. When I say someone else I mean anyone else, no one specific, just to be clear. He says he doesn't like plans or planning, but he sounds upset that I haven't made concrete plans. I suppose it's because he could do something better than spend time with me. After all, today he called it a waste. Thanks. My withering self-esteem needed that. 

I really want to sit in therapy forever until everything else is clear to me. I have too many things to say. I can't afford to go once a week. I go every three. One hour every three weeks is not enough. I must have the guidance though. All the time I said I could do it alone. I had no idea what I was trying to do. I still don't. 

My compulsions are getting worse and much more strange. Today I felt compelled to touch people's stomachs. I can't touch people's stomachs, so I felt a great deal of anxiety. Also, I had a very stressful twenty minutes at the post office. I can't figure out how to mail a fucking envelope because I'm apparently fucking stupid. And it was ultimately a waste of money. I should have sent more. 

There is no moving forward. 

Compulsions, forgetting, shopping, and how it all affects my mood.

If we're all aware that I've got a moderate-severe case of OCD, then we know that I sometimes act compulsively, give in to compulsions, or feel compelled to do strange things. And obsess. It's really fun. 

So I have this compulsion, occasionally, to buy things. If you've read the blog, the whole thing, you should notice that I have, in the past, said that I just "need to have new things" sometimes, at random times. I'm almost like that person with the house full of weird objects that are covered in dust, almost. Because of this compulsion I have boxes and boxes of shoes I don't wear, really cute dresses that I never wear, books that I don't have time to read, movies I won't bother watching, glitter palettes that I will never use, ten different mascaras, tons of different moisturizing products, four different shampoos, five leave-in conditioners, and who knows how many makeup brushes. 

The worst part is that I hate things. I hate having Things. I hate being surrounded by Things. All of these Things cause me a lot of stress.  Things, things, things. Things. Things drive me crazy, yet my first crazy compels me to want and buy and fill my space with Things. Fuck my life.

I forget to take my meds a lot. This happens. When this happens, I feel like shit, and I don't want to do anything but wallow in my pain and whatever else I'm feeling as a result of not remembering to take my meds. This means I miss important classes. I miss important things. Then, after I've missed these important things I decide to check if I took my meds, and look---I didn't. I did not take my fucking meds. So this whole fucking myself over hardcore thing could have been avoided if I'd just taken the fucking pills. Seriously---that's just stupid. 

Yesterday love dove and I visited his parents who happen to live close to outlets, and that means CCO, and that means I had to go shopping. I practiced very serious restraint and only bought two things, but it was very difficult. I bought MAC MSF natural in medium (which is not my color) and an eyeshadow I didn't need because I'm sure I already  have that color, but oh well--it was discounted! Again with the compulsions. Then I started feeling very ill and unwell, as I always feel when I visit his parents' new home. I blame the drive. 

And this morning I ordered a nail polish. It's green and cute. After that, an octopus pendant arrived. Then a few more nail polishes arrived. And I still don't have pink nail polish. How odd. 

And all this while I wasn't at school learning and getting my money's worth (or, rather, my parents' money's worth) because I forgot to take my medicine. 

This all makes me want to hurt myself. It damages my self-esteem, and most importantly, it damages my GPA. If I could cry, that's what I'd be doing. If I could panic, that's what I'd be doing. But I can't. And I shouldn't anyway. I fucked up. I am a little fucked, maybe. Life is about more than a GPA. This will not ruin my life. This will not kill me. It is OK. 

Right? 

Maybe. 

P.S. my boyfriend is an amazing human being and should be canonized in all four possible ways. 

Fucking Farkakteh.

OK.

I bought some more makeup. Is anyone surprised? 

My new phone, my American Apparel items, my Stila arrived. The flat iron has not. I received a phone call about it today. Unfortunately the phone call came at a time when I was having my daily depressive nap. The one I take after I wake up. So I had to call them back and leave a message, which I hate doing. 

I bought three new eyeshadows, two combs, and some lip gloss. I like the lip gloss more than I thought I would. The color is gold. Odd color for me. I'm experimenting with different colors lately. 

It took three days to get my phone to work. It's working now though. Finally. Super excited about that whole thing. I love it, too. It's so nice. 

The American Apparel items are amazing, of course. The dress I ordered looks really hot on me. They didn't send me the shorts I ordered. They sent me a sweater thing in its place, which I actually like. And it costs more than the shorts. I'm confused. I kind of like the sweater, so I don't want to say "oh hey---you sent me the wrong thing" because I like it, and well---I don't know. I'm confused, as I said. Farkakteh, if you will. I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do, so I'm not doing anything apart from enjoying this comfy sweater. ???

The Stila items arrived yesterday, so I have not used them yet. I ordered the illuminating tinted moisturizer (which I love) and an eyeshadow wash in Kitten, which I also love. I have no reason to use either of these items any time soon though. 

I saw my psychiatrist today. The nurse was a raging bitch as usual, and I hate her. I fucking hate her. She has no reason to be such a bitch. In Fact, she has more reasons to be a decent human being considering she sees emotionally sensitive people All Fucking Day. Fucking bitch. The doctor was no help, of course. He gave me a new medicine in addition to all my other ones. I'm so fucking excited. I can barely contain myself. 

I've decided on an entirely different path for my skin care routine. It's much less expensive, and it will probably be more effective. This makes me happy on several fronts. I've also chosen a less expensive new shampoo, and the best part is that it smells just like the Pureology without the $27 price tag!!! and it has the same ingredients. I checked. 

I have four new books. Love dove bought two. I bought the other two. 

I was not going to spend anymore money after buying the eyeshadows yesterday, but today my mother said some very hurtful/offensive things and really pissed me off, so I had to leave. I went to several stores--all full of makeup--without buying anything, but when I stopped in the book store to see if they had the book I need for my psychology class (they don't), I ended up grabbing a couple of books that I wanted. I am sure I will read them soon and review them.

Lies. I am too depressed to read anything. 

I really have nothing important/interesting/entertaining to say. 

Confessions.

Very quickly I must confess that yesterday morning as soon as I woke up I ran to Target to buy Twilight on DVD. I just had to see it Right Then. And it is Horrible. It is worse than the books. And twinkling when Edward goes in the sunlight? Dude. Chees-y. The only good thing about this movie is the score. That man, Carter Burwell, is a genius! The director is an idiot, Catherine Hardwicke. I really like Kristin Stewart even though sometimes she's really awkward and not really doing a good job, but I just like her. I want to pet her or something. They totally didn't follow the book, and I have no idea how anyone who worked on this project is proud of themselves. Except Carter Burwell. And Kristin Stewart for being cute, all the time. Robert Pattinson = suckage. And why did they make him So Incredibly Unattractive? Is Edward not supposed to be super smoking hot? Did I read that wrong? No, I didn't. The casting director is an idiot, and the makeup artist is, too. And so is anyone else who thinks he's hot. He's NOT. In fact, I think this book really just should have been left alone, as a book series. It's not Harry Potter. It was bad in the first place, so why go make it worse and turn it into an even worse movie? And who the hell chose what's her name to play Rosalie? She's a little chunky and not even pretty enough to be Rosalie. wtf? You take a bad book, and you turn it into an even worse movie, and you can't even cast people correctly?! The only one who was casted perfectly was Bella. Kristin Stewart is awkward and Bella-ish. Everyone else was a bit off. The whole thing was bad. I mean---I'll still watch it. It's mildly entertaining, and I did spend $20 on it. I don't hate it. I am just confused at how anyone is not taking this as a spoof. And they should have known better than to take that book and make it into a movie. There were too many things in the book that were difficult to show and bring alive, physically. Especially since they didn't have the Harry Potter team with them. I shouldn't compare it to Harry Potter. HP PWNS. TWILIGHT LOSES. 

My mood is a bit better. Love dove has promised some CCO shopping this week, and I am super excited. We were supposed to go today, but his dad was like "no no no I want to go salksldkfasjdflkdf" thus ruining MY plans of spending tons of money. It was his birthday yesterday though, so I guess it's OK. Love dove said Tuesday. I shall cross my fingers, and I shall hope that my phone is here by then. It should be here very soon. And I will try not to spend too much money. I really only want a few things, eyeshadows, powder or two, maybe lipstick. NOT a lot. I swear. I swear. 

I ordered some nail polishes. I have no idea when they will arrive. It has not showed up on my bank statement yet. I ordered some stuff from American Apparel because I felt like I needed it after my horrible day (Monday when my phone was stolen), and there were a few things I really, really super wanted. I also ordered my new flat iron with the free blow dryer and some new heat protectant to test it out. I forgot to order a new epilator. Hmph. Birthday presents! I ordered some Stila stuff. I love Stila. Love. I ordered a lot of stuff, so I have lots of stuff coming my way very soon! Yay! My phone should arrive first, then the American Apparel. I have no idea when the flat iron is coming. The order hasn't been fully processed yet. The Stila stuff is being shipped as we speak. So I'm good on that stuff. No More Shopping. I also bought a scarf and a handbag from Target. I think that's all I got there, though. Oh, I got some lipstick. It's Rimmel something or other in Airy Fairy. It's a very pretty pink color. Goodness, I shop a lot! I should buy some new underclothes. MY DOG KEEPS EATING THEM. He's a bad dog. 

s

I must remember to send the fork to T before I turn into that asshole who is like "just a few more weeks, and I'll get it done" and then never gets it done. I suck. 

So--I dropped my math class. I never went, and I didn't want to get an F, so I just dropped it. I'm not full-time anymore, and that's fine with me. I really didn't like taking that class anyway. I seem to be doing OK in every other regard. Well, not really. I'm fucking up hardcore. My moods. I have to get this shit under control. It is really bad. I am unable to motivate myself to do much of anything. I have been sleeping on and off for days. So at least I am getting sleep sometimes. Some days I dont' sleep at all. Some days that is all I do. I need to call my psychiatrist, but I don't feel like dealing with the bureaucracy of doing that. 

I have more money in my bank account than I thought I did. So I've either done my math wrong and spent money I've forgotten about, or I'm awesomely NOT spending too much money. Yay me! I really really want my flat iron to get here. I want to try the new blow dryer more than anything, but I really need a new flat iron. My other one is all tired and whatnot. I've dropped it too many times. I was going to get a more expensive flat iron, but I figure since my hair is only slightly wavy, I don't need any super heavy duty awesome flat iron. I just need one that works. So I'm buying one that works. And it's pink! Just like my other one. The happy thing is that the new blow dryer will match it, and it's from the same company. I like that. 

I've been printing out all my wish lists for my birthday just to give them to Love Dove, but it's mostly to keep myself from adding more to them. I don't want to waste paper, so I don't want to add more things to it and have to print out another copy. So I'm printing them all out to help him in his search for the perfect gift, and I'm keeping myself from overwhelming him (all of them have many overlapping items which should give him a pretty good indication of exactly which things to purchase). I love his gifts more than anything. He always gives me the perfect thing, even if I don't tell him what to get. Of course, there is no topping last year's gift. He rules. I must buy him some amazing thing(s) for his birthday. I have a few ideas, but I'm not sure. I want to make sure that I'm buying something he'll want, and not something I want for him. Comprendez? 

I am sleepy. And babbling. 

The new puppy is a nuisance. He wakes up before me every morning and doesn't wake me up to let me know he needs to go outside to relieve himself. He just does it on my carpet. BAD DOG. All he has to do is bite my face or something, and I'll take him out, but noooooooooooooo he just hops off the bed and shits in the floor. Luckily he's a small dog. End of shit talk. 

Good day!