Lalala.

I painted my nails.

That's Dazzle by Orly. It's pretty true to the color in the bottle. That's also only one coat. Pretty good, I'd say. 

So I'm in a pretty bad mood, as per usual. And appropriately enough, "You Just Can't Smile It Away" by Bill Withers just popped up in my iTunes. It's really not that appropriate, but it sounds like it is. Fun times. 

There is absolutely no relief. I don't want normal feelings anymore. I want no more feelings. It's exhausting. 

I bought new sandals. They're cute. They are red and gold. 

I pretty much want to kill myself just for the fuck of it. I know that's not normal. But looking at it rationally--what else would I do? continue going to school to no end. stay with my parents who resent me for, like, breathing. continue to not get a job? I'm a failure. That's all I have to say. 

Other news, I am kind of a little bit interested in the Colour Craft collection coming out in a few days from MAC. I might need a couple of those MSFs. 

I want to clean my room. I can't do it. Again, I am a failure. 

Miles Davis = brilliant muzac. 

Oh and my boyfriend has decided that today he should be aloof and unavailable, not that I have anything to say. 

I have retinol on my face. I forgot that it dries the skin like it's pure alcohol or something. Oh, and I have really dry skin, fyi. 

I'm tanning again. I am starting to become nauseated by the smell of fake tanners, but I am more nauseated by the idea of skin cancer, so that's OK. I don't have a problem with pale skin though. I have a problem with my skin being like "oh no I can't be one color--I need to be blue and purple, too". I have to cover the death somehow. 

Like O, Like H by Tegan and Sara is such a good song. 

I wish my MacBook was dirt proof. It's a bitch to clean. 

My head hurts. I can't concentrate on books to read them. I can't really sit and watch a movie either. I'm considering going pretend shopping or something. 

Except I can't go pretend shopping because I can't drive because I just took three different kinds of tranquilizers. If I don't feel better in half an hour, I'm going to be mad, for obvious reasons. 

A few reasons to at least live out the month of July: Public Enemies, Harry Potter, some other movies. After that is my birthday, and I'm not interested in knowing how pathetic I'll feel on my birthday, so I'd rather pretend it's not happening (but with presents, assuming I'm not dead). 

How much does this resemble a year ago? I bet it's a lot. 

Fail. Fail. Fail. All fails away!

So there is this SWEET deal at maccosemetics.com right now, and today's the last day. Free shipping, AND 25% off. Now, there aren't many things from MAC that I MUST have, but there is one thing, one little thing. It's a brush. I cannot find a brush like it ANYWHERE, and I need it. It's like 50USD though, and I cannot justify 50USD on a brush that I'm only going to be using on my own face at all. With a 25% discount, it would almost be justifiable, and almost is enough for me. But no, no, I'm not really allowed to spend money right this second, not during the THREE DAY SALE ON THE INTERNET. Thanks, MAC. You have impeccable timing, as always, like with Hello Kitty. And why did I not know that Fresh Brew was a permanent color? If I had known, I would not have bought it with HK. I would have bought one of the other, LE lipsticks instead. FAIL. 

In other news, someone drank all of my grape juice. ALL of my grape juice. Mind you, I drank most of it, but someone else finished MY BOTTLE OF GRAPE JUICE. Grape juice is my life. Grape juice is my second to water. If I had had my grape juice the other day instead of a CamelBak travel with a detached straw that was full of water, I would not have burned the shit out of my tongue with naproxen sodium. No. I would have washed it down, coating and all, with some sweet grape juice. I would not have a caustic burn SCAR on my tongue right now. I wouldn't have an extremely sensitive, painful spot on my tongue right now. My life would be significantly better if the grape juice had been there. 

The next time I buy grape juice, I am stockpiling it, and I will keep it all in my closet (because I definitely have the space), and I will always have grape juice. Forever. This will keep things like chemical burns in my mouth at bay. My life will be better. It's the little things, people. 

Also, this shopping habit has to stop. I hate having all this Stuff. It's ridiculous. I don't like it. 

I do, however, really like my NYX Jumbo Pencil in Black Bean. It is the smoothest one, and it worked amazingly for my Amanda Palmer makeup the other day. It made the perfect blood-red for my eyeshadow that I needed, and then I could use brown without looking like an idiot. It was fantastic, and my makeup was fantastic, and if I ever get the photos back I will make a slideshow, and I will submit it, and I will hope that I win because I really like winning, especially when the winning is talent based, and I've been feeling awfully low on my talent lately. 

I cannot decide if I like my Chanel better or if I like Juicy Couture better, the scents. I could sit and sniff them all day to decide, but I'd get a migraine, and since my brain is quite sensitive and migraine happy since I take awesome drugs that like to cause migraines, I'm not really in the mood to do that. 

I just spend three hours on blogtv. I love blogtv. It allows me to vicariously watch Intervention and laugh hysterically at incredibly awesome human beings. It somehow manages to give me a sense of hope in humanity or something. 

Now I feel like I need to watch and/or quote Clueless. 

Another thing, when my boyfriend is busy, and I call him, I expect him to do the respectful thing and ignore my call, like hit the ignore button. He never does. He either lets it ring until it goes to voicemail, or he answers and says he's busy. Both of which I hate. So I called him earlier to tell him something really exciting (and now I've forgotten what it was), but it was actually relevant to him, and I needed to tell him in real time, not through voicemail, and HE IGNORED MY PHONE CALL. Why? Just why. I mean seriously. THE ONE TIME. WHY?! 

I am so excited about Public Enemies it's not even funny. I am very confused about what role Marion Cotillard is actually playing, and I'm too lazy to IMDB that shit, so I'll stay confused until I see the movie THE DAY IT COMES TO THEATERS. I'm sure I've never discussed my interest in criminals, particularly bank robbers and serial killers. Now, John Dillinger was not a serial killer (or was he? hmmm ponder ponder), but he did rob banks, and I am fascinated by this bank robbing. So I am excited about this movie, and I need to see it, and besides that Johnny Depp makes a hot John Dillinger. And Marion Cotillard is just cute. How can you not want to pet her? or make friends with her? or just stare at her adorable little Frenchie face? I haven't been this excited about a movie since, like, that movie that was a huge letdown. You know the one. Watchmen. Huge disappointment. Huge. Epic. FAIL. 

I am also particularly excited about Harry Potter. It just looks really good. And I fucking love Harry Potter. 

Also, New Moon, just because Kristen Stewart looks totally hot in it, and that's a good enough reason for me. I believe I mentioned how much I hated that book, and I will probably suffer watching the movie, too, but it'll be worth it to see Kristen Stewart doing what she does best---being hot while being incredibly petulant and ungrateful and annoying and stupid and reckless and completely fucking pathetic. Hot is all that counts when it comes to these kinds of things. What else could anyone bring to Twilight? The raw material is shit. Also, Dakota Fanning plays one of the really mean, scary characters, and that has to be hilarious. HILARIOUS. I can just see it now. Hilarity will ensue. 

My car is hot. It needs air conditioning. I have to make all of my doctor appointments and such in the morning to avoid dying on the way. Therapy is only available in late afternoons though. Ugh. FAIL. 

I am pretty tired. 

Rubbish!

I cannot find the L'oreal Telescopic Explosion mascara anywhere, but there are so many new mascaras coming out that I'm super overwhelmed. I am such a ridiculous mascara junkie. That and foundation. I really want to try the regular Telescopic since I've never used it, but so many people seem to like it. I have low hopes of ever finding anything as wonderful as my Too Faced Lash Injection. It is quite a lot up to which to live, and no mascara I've tried has done it just yet. I still don't have a good brown or burgundy. Life will go on. 

I have been using my Revlon Matte Lipstick in Nude Attitude a lot lately. I really like the slightly subdued pinky tone it gives my lips. I do not find it to be drying at all. It may pass my MAC Fresh Brew (from Hello Kitty) as my favorite lipstick, though the Fresh Brew is really moisturizing. All of my other lip colors have been lonely since I've only been using the Revlon lately. Poor NYX lip glosses, Jane Lipkick, Maybelline something or other, etc. Oh, and my poor Rimmels. I love Rimmel lipsticks. They have such a nice texture, and color payoff is fantastic. The only problem is that the red I have is really messy. It's very difficult to get it on without making a huge mess! Maybe that's just me though. 

I am also really in love with my Maybelline Dream Matte Powder. I use it for touch ups during the day as I use a silica powder to set my makeup and MAC MSF natural/shimmer all over for a nice, dewy glow. It is more convenient to stick in my bag than the MSF. 

I think I should probably put some of my unloved perfumes and such on MUA. They are harder to ship since they are liquids, but since I do not like them and do not use them, it makes sense to send them off to someone who might like them. 

I am still sad that I am lacking purple in my life, and I am having a very difficult time finding a color shampoo that doesn't have a migraine inducing scent. Since I discovered that my Pureology was giving me migraines (oh woe!), I set out to find a new shampoo. They all seem to have similar scents that make my eyes explode and head pound, so I've been using my Organix Shea Butter shampoo. It's sulfate free, so I know it's not stripping color or anything out of my hair. So that's fine. I don't know that I have anything new to report on hair products. 

I haven't got any new nail polishes, but I NEED TO. I really need more purples. It's killing me. It's making me depressed. 

Lots of little, stupid things have been making me depressed lately, and I'm so tired of it. It's so stupid. I keep getting really angry at the boyfriend and angry about life and frustrated and hopeless and depressed and unhappy and just ... :o(. I have no appreciation for such mood fluctuations. My quality of life should be massively improved since I'm not in school at the moment (lots of rest), and I have all of my lovely medications. I fucking HATE people acting like my medicine makes me happy. It obviously does not. Seriously---fuck people who say shit like that. I think they need to be punched in the face by someone less pacifistic than I am. It is fucking infuriating. I believe I have lost all hope in humanity. I do not forgive people for treating their environment and fellow humans and animals the way they do. I do not know what else to feel toward them. 

I still feel really sad for the octopodes at the aquarium. They looked so sad. I do not think I have ever seen an animal looking so unhappy. I feel like one of those little octopodes, trapped and unhappy, unable to properly hide and unable to swim somewhere else.

I just need to soak in the fact that I don't have to do anything for THREE MONTHS.

Three months gives me lots of time to ponder my life. I can figure out what's wrong with me. I can play with my meds more. I can get better. I can relax. I can go to the hospital if I want without stressing about missing something important! because sometimes I miss that place so much. I can go to the park and sleep on a bench. (except not) I can go to the library. I can sleep. (I hope) I can shop. (I could do that anyway) 

Which reminds me: I bought new nail polish! and a new eyeshadow. I don't know why I bought the eye shadow because it's green, and I have at least two green eyeshadows in that color already. Whatevs. I have it, and I have a plan for it. If only I had friends and stuff who went out with me, I could use these makeup plans. My life sucks. I am not who I was born to be.

The nail polish is a China Glaze cream color called Shower Together. It's from the Ecollection, which I love. I can't find all the colors at any stores around me, but I collect them as I find them. So I have two colors from it thus far. I have four from the summer collection. I don't like the summer collection all that much. I don't like glittery nail polish all that much. So. Shower Together is a gorgeous blue green, like a pretty ocean. (I have never seen a pretty ocean.) I painted my nails with Wild Mink (bright pink--gorgeous) last night when my hands finally stopped shaking, and they look OK. I also shortened all of them because I was just tired of them being super long. (stupid healthy nails) So my nails look good today. They'll probably look good for a week or so. It doesn't matter though because I'm not going anywhere. 

I was supposed to hang out with Robert today. I slept a lot today, and this morning I typed out the annotated bibliography and mailed it to my teacher, and I don't know. I am feeling particularly unwell. Just not good at all. 

I have a pretty good idea of what I shall discuss in my final essay for English, but I am not sure what I will do about the extra credit essay on Milton's Paradise Lost. It's only the first two books, but that is almost the problem for me. I don't know how to write about a part of something, not the whole. I don't know. I obviously don't have to do it because it's extra credit, but I have to do it because I got a 52 on the first test. And I have to do it well. 

Tomorrow I start studying for my history final. I am going to study so hardcore. I absolutely cannot fail. It is not a choice. 

I do not have to study very hard for my psychology final because it's easy, and it's stuff I already know, but we have to take two tests. Also, I never did the book report, and my teacher would not let me turn it in late, so I have a missing grade. I need to do well on the final to get like..a C probably. This semester is going to destroy my GPA, even if I don't fail anything. Ugh. 

I also must add that I am rather pleased to have found cute shorts that look cute on me. I happen to buy and own a lot of shirts that only look cute with shorts. So I need more than like one pair. I do have my safari shorts, of course, but I never go on safaris! Hmph. 

I did not do any research.

I am a terrible partner. I keep e-mailing my partner saying "yeah, I'll send you this when I finish it." So the only thing I have e-mailed her are quotes from Jonathan Swift's "The Lady's Dressing Room" and Lady Mary Wortley Montagu's response, "The Reasons That Induced Dr. Swift to Write a Poem Called the Lady's Dressing Room". Fantastic! That is only half of what I'm supposed to talk about, and I'm not sure I have it all at the length it should be. And I don't want to read Alexander Pope's ridiculously long "Epistle 2. To a Lady". I find that his writing bores me. Swift's didn't. I rather enjoy bouncing Swift's work around my head, but Pope is just making me sleepy, and this should have been done four days ago. Anyway---I can't concentrate. What a shock.

I just painted my nails, but my hands are shaking (and my joints aching), and they look like crap. I have one day of classes left, and I am free. 

I hate being in pain. I hate being in pain. 

I hate being in pain and having to stand in front of my class for fifteen minutes and talk about things in which they are all uninterested. 

I can't decide if I should take a shower now or in the morning. Perhaps it would make my joints and muscles feel better. 

I'm not coming home between classes tomorrow because I'm meeting my partner at 11:30, which is good because she didn't send me any of her sources, so I couldn't do any of the annotated bibliography that is due with our oral report. I probably should have done more research. I have problems. Ugh. 

I think I will shower now.

3:25 A.M. --after my shower

I am laying bed unable to sleep whilst sniffing the delicious scent of my face lotion. So herbal. I love herbal smells. Again, I really just want to go to Lush and sniff soaps. 

I have the baby in here. He was squealing in the other room, and I just couldn't stand it, so I got him. Then he decided it was play time instead of sleepy time, so I had to stick him back in his carrier. Until he gets sleepy. 

I think I'm going to sleep now.