It's not raining! why?!

I've been going to sleep at a relatively early time every night, and that's nice and all, but it ultimately doesn't matter because I will inevitably wake up at six in the morning, take my medicine, and be back asleep by ten. From there, I will sleep until four or five, unless I have something I need to do, like I did on Tuesday. For the record, though, when I did all the things I needed to do on Tuesday, I went to sleep. This gives me a total of ten to twelve hours a day being awake. People wonder why I'm unproductive. It isn't my fault though. I literally get to a point in the middle of the day that I just cannot stay awake any longer. I get dead tired, as if I have not slept in days. I am blaming it on the medications, but I suppose it could be anything. It causes a lot of problems with school, since I usually plan my schedule to be an eight to twelve hour day, just to keep myself occupied. Last semester I had to give myself a four hour break in the day because I got totally screwed with registration, AND I needed to have that four hours to take a nap. 

In other news, the MAC Colour Craft collection was released online yesterday and is released in stores today, and I am not as thrilled with all the colors as I thought I would be, but there are two items that I really want and one that I really, really want. I am trying to tell myself that I really don't need any of it, but that's an impossible idea. It's nonsense. 

I have decided that my main problem is simply that I am severely over-stimulated. It's distracting. 

I really like my new nail polish. 

Now I am feeling very tired, and I shall take my daily nap.

Tanning! and shopping with other people's money.

So I believe I mentioned that I purchased Jergens Natural Glow moisturizer? It's amazing! I have a tan! and no skin cancer! The only bad thing is that I forget to wash my hands sometimes, and I have orangey ickyness between my fingers on my right hand! :o( I'm considering that perhaps I should buy the mousse form instead of the lotion. I hear it's less streaky since it dries faster. The lotion isn't streaky, but it's more difficult to get an even coat of lotion. I have a swirl of tan/not tan on my shoulder because I'm stupid and can't rub lotion in on that spot, apparently. It's OK since I rarely show any skin. And my skin isn't sickeningly pale! I'm also using it on my face, which means I need to buy at least one foundation that is a shade darker as my skin is now darker. I've just been using my amazing Everyday Minerals foundation samples since I bought a couple that are a little darker. I LOOOVE them. Anyway...I'm colored! yay. 

I painted my nails with Solar Power from China Glaze, and I must say that I am a tad disappointed. All nail polish is buy two get one free at Sally's, so I bought some, of course, and I've discovered that despite my large collection of China Glaze polishes, I'm not a huge fan of them at all. They're of a much lower quality than OPI, even though they're supposed to be equal. Although OPI is more expensive. And the Gargantuan Green Grape from OPI that I bought is also a disappointment. Anyway--Solar Power is a bright yellow, sort of marigold, with very slight shimmer. In the bottle it looks really pretty and really shimmery and less obnoxious than it does on my fingers. It's also one of those colors that has to be applied perfectly otherwise your nails look like crap. My nails look like crap, but I'm not redoing them. I have to attend a baby shower tomorrow, and I need to sleep, etc. etc. I still like the color, of course. I haven't even used most of my new nail polishes. That is rather sad. I really like the neon purple one though. I think it's called Purple Dragon. It's really pretty. 

Orly lies. Their Won't Chip does not keep nails from chipping for two weeks. It lasts one week at best, but that could be my water. I know the water in my shower is not as..soft, I guess..as it needs to be. 

Yesterday I bought a a few new storage items. I bought another little drawer thing for my makeup since the collection is always growing, and I bought a basket thing and a larger, clear container for my hair products. I'm not sure where I'll put these storage things, but I needed them. They all match, too! That's happy. 

Pierre went to the doctor yesterday as well. He weighs three pounds and thirteen ounces. The doctor says he's doing really well, exceptionally well, actually. Apparently dogs aren't supposed to know how to walk on a leash at twelve weeks. Or jump the way he does. Or do anything as accelerated as he does. I have a smart puppy! Yay! And we bought him those pads for the floor, and he uses them! good puppers. We also discussed different methods of making him stop biting. He's a little snapper! Also, he is super friendly and excitable. He wanted to see everyone in the office. We saw an old Russian man (RUSSIAN!!!) in the waiting room, and Pierre ran up to him and started begging for pets and stuff. I apologized to the man, of course, but he really didn't seem to mind. And he kept trying to kiss the doctor. And well--he just loves everyone. He had to get shots and stuff. 

Speaking of dogs---on the way home from buying foods I saw an injured doggy! It looked very familiar. I tried to get the doggy to come to me, so I could look at its leg (since that's what was injured), but of course it was skittish and refused. The poor thing. I hope someone catches it and helps it. I could swear I've seen that dog before though. Poor puppers.

Love dove also gave me a shelf for my printer and stuff. So I have like two feet of extra floor space now! Yay.

I washed my car the other day, right before it rained. I'm quite smart that way. I didn't know it was going to rain! And I was in one of those moods. I absolutely had to clean the car right then, inside and out. I feel much better in the car now. It needed to be vacuumed and such. 

Oh, when I was at Sally's I also bought this foot stuff called Heel to Toe. I really like it, and it makes my feet feel soft. My feet are already soft, but I figure it can't hurt to make them softer. I should go back and buy a larger jar of it. I got the mini one to test it.  

I also had to buy a different kind of sunscreen than I normally buy because Target decided they weren't going to stock my usual in SPF 45, only SPF 15, which is unacceptable. I had to buy something else from the same company in SPF 70 or something, which is just stupid. No one needs SPF 70, unless they live in a glass house. 

I've been on a Harry Potter kick lately. I've been all "Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter!!!" I've watched all four of the movies I own like ten times the past two days. 

I took a test in psychology. I know I did not fail it. That's good. I feel like I'm doing better. 

My family is not very familial. At all. I would call them saboteurs, at best. My siblings now make fun of me for being on psychiatric medications. That's pretty awesome, except not. 

Compulsions, forgetting, shopping, and how it all affects my mood.

If we're all aware that I've got a moderate-severe case of OCD, then we know that I sometimes act compulsively, give in to compulsions, or feel compelled to do strange things. And obsess. It's really fun. 

So I have this compulsion, occasionally, to buy things. If you've read the blog, the whole thing, you should notice that I have, in the past, said that I just "need to have new things" sometimes, at random times. I'm almost like that person with the house full of weird objects that are covered in dust, almost. Because of this compulsion I have boxes and boxes of shoes I don't wear, really cute dresses that I never wear, books that I don't have time to read, movies I won't bother watching, glitter palettes that I will never use, ten different mascaras, tons of different moisturizing products, four different shampoos, five leave-in conditioners, and who knows how many makeup brushes. 

The worst part is that I hate things. I hate having Things. I hate being surrounded by Things. All of these Things cause me a lot of stress.  Things, things, things. Things. Things drive me crazy, yet my first crazy compels me to want and buy and fill my space with Things. Fuck my life.

I forget to take my meds a lot. This happens. When this happens, I feel like shit, and I don't want to do anything but wallow in my pain and whatever else I'm feeling as a result of not remembering to take my meds. This means I miss important classes. I miss important things. Then, after I've missed these important things I decide to check if I took my meds, and look---I didn't. I did not take my fucking meds. So this whole fucking myself over hardcore thing could have been avoided if I'd just taken the fucking pills. Seriously---that's just stupid. 

Yesterday love dove and I visited his parents who happen to live close to outlets, and that means CCO, and that means I had to go shopping. I practiced very serious restraint and only bought two things, but it was very difficult. I bought MAC MSF natural in medium (which is not my color) and an eyeshadow I didn't need because I'm sure I already  have that color, but oh well--it was discounted! Again with the compulsions. Then I started feeling very ill and unwell, as I always feel when I visit his parents' new home. I blame the drive. 

And this morning I ordered a nail polish. It's green and cute. After that, an octopus pendant arrived. Then a few more nail polishes arrived. And I still don't have pink nail polish. How odd. 

And all this while I wasn't at school learning and getting my money's worth (or, rather, my parents' money's worth) because I forgot to take my medicine. 

This all makes me want to hurt myself. It damages my self-esteem, and most importantly, it damages my GPA. If I could cry, that's what I'd be doing. If I could panic, that's what I'd be doing. But I can't. And I shouldn't anyway. I fucked up. I am a little fucked, maybe. Life is about more than a GPA. This will not ruin my life. This will not kill me. It is OK. 

Right? 

Maybe. 

P.S. my boyfriend is an amazing human being and should be canonized in all four possible ways. 

OK.

I am feeling a lot better right now than I have in past weeks, and that seems like it should be fantastic. We will see how long it lasts. It seems that when I take my medicine, everything feels worse. And no one listens. No one helps. It feels as if no one cares. I would not know. I cannot read their minds. 

I do not have much to add in terms of makeup. I have a great desire to buy a LOT of things, but I am trying to tell myself that I just don't need these things. I just don't need these things. But I need them! It's causing a lot of inner-conflict, as if I don't have enough of that already. I've been eyeing those MAC grand duos for a while, and I really want just one. Just one of them. I just want ONE. And while I'm buying that one, I figure some lip gloss can't hurt. Or an MSF. Or any other thing I might buy. This is hard. It is really hard. 

I am planning on getting a tattoo, and I'm trying to tell myself that since it's permanent it's better than makeup, and I shouldn't buy any of the MAC things I want until AFTER I have my beautiful tattoo. I have planned the size, shape, color, placement, etc. perfectly. Now I just have to get it. And I am determined. I really want this tattoo. 

Early yesterday morning, I caved and read the portion of Midnight Sun that is on Stephanie Meyer's website. I had to. And I must say that it is infinitely better than the  Twilight books. She seems better at writing from an older vampire's point of view than that of a seventeen year old girl. Obviously it still carries all the teenage drama and theatrics, but Edward makes it all the more beautiful and kind, and it is nice to know that he feels like a total creep sneaking into her bedroom at night. I am sad that she has no finished this book now. Maybe what Stephanie Meyer's whole problem is that she just can't write well from a juvenile perspective. As Edward has lived quite a bit longer than Bella, he sees the world as a much older adult would, and that is how Midnight Sun is written. I believe what she has posted on her website is really wonderful, and I hope that she completes it and continues to write from Edward's perspective. It adds a lot to the entire saga. As anyone who reads my blog regularly knows, I think the Twilight books are mostly garbage, but what she did writing from Edward's perspective somehow changes it, makes it better. I simply read it out of curiosity, and it was only 200 pages or so, and I am shocked to say that I think it's really good. It's actually pretty well written, especially as compared to her other books. I am unsure as to why Meyer did not write it that way from the beginning. Not only does it give a certain uniqueness to the whole premise, but the story makes a lot more sense through his eyes, and he seems quite a bit less controlling and creepy. It is a shame that the author is too stupid to realize this and is instead being petulant that "oh no it leaked!! wah wah wah" and has postponed its release indefinitely. That is a mistake, a huge mistake on her part. I knew she wasn't very intelligent. 

I have little else to say. I will not bother.