I don't really have much to say.

I've been experiencing a high level of anxiety lately, so I have been utilizing my prescription medications, which I never do, in order to not drive myself crazy in the middle of the night. I am sure that if I had always done that, I probably would not have made so many stupid decisions in the past. Oh, the past. Sometimes it's so hard to let it go and look forward, but if there is not much to which to look forward, how do you make yourself do it? I try. I am trying. I have faith in justice.

I'm just listening to Amanda Palmer and the Dresden Dolls right now. There isn't any other music in my collection that I want to hear.

Last night I slept a normal amount, and I woke up at a brilliant time, perfect for getting things done that I needed to do. Unfortunately, after my shower and makeup application, something clicked in my head that made me sad and lethargic, so I went back to sleep. I slept almost the entire day. I definitely got a lot of sleep today. Maybe I really needed to get all that sleep. I do feel a lot better in terms of the anxiety I have been experiencing. I also just took a bunch of medication to help me be calm, so I can go to sleep at a normal time tonight. I need to go to the bank and deposit my check from my last job.

I was cast as an extra in a movie called Terminal, but I didn't actually do anything on film. I sat in holding for five hours, and I still got paid. At least half of the people cast were also sitting with me. I'm not sure why they hired so many people when they were not going to use all of us. Oh well.

I am getting awfully sleepy. I guess it's time I went to sleep.

I want to be asleep right now.

Seriously. 

My mind cannot focus long enough for me to finish my brilliant thoughts. I started to write something about my philosophies on certain things, and I lost my train of thought within three sentences. This problem is not new, though. The only time I am able to write a lengthy piece on anything is when it is for school, and it has a due date, and I am given some kind of direction. 

I am very seriously considering making a documentary. I really want to, but I don't currently have the proper equipment. Luckily, I am capable of getting my hands on the proper equipment if need be. I must put together a plan, and I will see how I feel about it. I feel very bouncy and creative lately. 

I plan to do some shopping today, as usual. I hope my medication will help with this. I don't want to feel like I need this, letting it control my emotions. I don't like it. Really. 

I am supposed to see my cousin and the baby on Sunday (or Monday), but I seem to have caught the nasty cold my parents have, and there is no way in hell I'm going to give this shit to a newborn. Besides, I'll probably be in hospital by then. I am terrified of this cold. I am terrified of getting really sick. I am just terrified. 

So my boyfriend had a pretty good opportunity to visit me at a decent hour, like when I'm not supposed to be sleeping, and he opted not to do so. I cannot accurately describe the way this makes me feel, but really---I tire of these things very quickly. He does not seem to understand the way I operate, and though my medications have certainly mellowed the sharper edges of my personality, I am still capable of being just as aloof as ever and forgetting and letting go and not being concerned about it. I don't believe he understands how I've handled all previous relationships, romantic or otherwise. I suppose he has been conditioned to believe I am needy enough to sit around waiting. I'm not. 

^^ That doesn't mean anything significant. 

I will return to my sleep attempts now.

Birthdays and Being Realistic

Today is my lovey's birthday, and I am super excited because I feel like I have finally had the chance to give him a really cool birthday present. I feel like I always give him really lame gifts. :o/ I hope this one is spectacular and that he loves it and all that cool stuff. 

I have been playing around with my nail polishes, and I decided that for this week my nails will be coated with OPI's Clubbin' Til Sunrise and China Glaze's Orange Marmalade. They make a really nice combination. It's very pretty and orange and glittery and nice. I also think that it will go really well with Love Dove's and my birthday activity tomorrow! :oD There was a more appropriate color I thought about using, but I was really in the mood to play, so I'm playing. Of course, in the process I managed to get nail polish on my new quilt! I hate myself. 

I am really, really anxious about tomorrow because I am horrified that something will go horribly awry, and I just want everything to be happy and fun and perfect. I have knots in my tummy! No party here! and I can't sleep, though I need to sleep really well in order to really give Love Dove a spectacular birthday. I haven't been this anxious in almost a year. I am so unaccustomed to feeling this way all of a sudden. It used to be routine. I like that it's not, but I really don't like it! Ugh. 

I am trying to form a realistic wish list with items that I can actually afford to buy for myself on a regular basis. I make these kinds of lists to remember things I want to try and remember things I really like and want to continue purchasing/using. Believe it or not, I can forget anything. 

This list includes a few unique makeup brushes (which generally don't need to be repurchased), one mascara, two or three eyeshadows, a couple of eyeshadow palettes (that won't need to be repurchased for a really long time), and more MSFs from MAC. 

My NYX Doll Eye mascara should be on its way to my house, assuming the person with whom I arranged the swap isn't a nasty swaplifter. It's OK if she is, but I'd like to get something out of it. I checked her swap tokens and all that stuff, and she had positive reviews, so I assume she's good for it. I cannot wait to try it. The problem is that I have already found my Holy Grail mascara, so why do I need to try more? Probably because my Holy Grail mascara is amazing and expensive as shit. But it's good, very good. I love it. 

Now I think I can manage sleep or something close. 

Another one!

First things first, I think I'm really beginning to WANT that neat Konad stamping system for your nails. I think it's super cute to have certain things on your nails. I'll consider purchasing it or adding it to a wish list at a later date. It's not expensive at all, either, especially since I just want the stamper/scraper set, two special polishes, and one design plate. That amounts to about 30USD.

. 

The above photo is a photo of incredibly adorable/delicious things I have accumulated recently. It's a small amount, obviously, because I didn't put any makeup in. 

Left to right back row: Mushables kitty that meows when you squeeze it. Trolli Brite Crawlers (and the photo is backwards...sorry). EASTER DINOSAUR. front row: cute headbands: satin black, brown feathers, black/white feathers. adorable photo album from baby shower AND the new sunglasses I got yesterday. 

I have plans for those sunglasses, aside from using them to shield my eyes from the evil sun. They are super retro cute. I also have a lei on loan for photo purposes. Don't worry; all will unfold soon.

I'm still using my tanning lotion. I'm considering using the stuff that does it super fast instead of the one I'm currently using. IDK. It doesn't last very long. I have to buy a new bottle like..every two weeks or so. I haven't though because I don't use it every day. I use it twice a day though for about a week to have a nice tan for a few days, and then I decide that my paleness is OK and leave it alone. 

I did not study for my history final at all, and I hate myself. I should probably go to sleep right now. 

I may watch a movie first. I am having a lot of difficulty sleeping, and I don't want to take valerian root tonight because I need to be up to take my final at 3:30.

I discussed some of the changes I'd like to make to my bedroom with my mother, and she seemed OK with them. I told her I want different blinds and curtains for temperature control. I also think I want to change the theme in here--not sure though. I am still really sad that I didn't get the amazing rainbow set from Target. :o/ It was so cute. 

I love calamine. And I love my eye cream. 

Good night. 

More listing?

Not now, I guess. 

Though having some Got2B Cosmic Shimmering Shine serum would be SUHWEET. I just can't find it anywhere. It makes me really sad. 

Anyway, I realized I didn't make an epic list of hair products that I want but don't need and shouldn't buy. It mostly involves new straighteners, curlers, curling irons, wavers, and various serums and pomades and glues, etc. I could probably go more crazy with hair stuff than anything. I love hair stuff, and my hair is like...ugh. 

I hate letting my hair grow. It gets so annoying when it's past my shoulders. I like having short, bouncy hair, but then I can't really curl it. :o/ What to do? Right now the length is really annoying, and it's still pretty short. My hair just grows so fast! Ah! 

In an effort to be slightly more healthy and inject some protein into my diet, I have been eating lots of nuts. I love nuts. I am eating cashews and almonds and pecans. I do not like Brazil nuts all that much, and the filberts could also be left out of my mixed nuts. Hmph! 

Since I don't like to take valerian root two days in a row (not to mention experience the disgusting flavor consecutively), I can't sleep right now. I took 900 mg again last night, and I slept all day. I got up once at like noon because I hear Pierre squealing because Domino had gotten into the house, and he wanted to play with him. Then I woke up again to let Horus out and let Pierre take a nap with me. Then I woke up when Pierre woke up and put him out. So now I'm up. For keeps. I can't decide if I should read a smart book (i.e. Not Twilight) or watch a smart movie (i.e. not Twilight) or just take the damn pills. Or perhaps I could do something productive and study for my finals or start writing my final paper. I won't, but I should. 

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psychiatrist, and I will ask him about this face thing. If he says it's abnormal, then I shall scurry to my other doctor. 

Old episodes of House are on! Must watch.

---later. 

About my lists! I updated all of my Amazon wish lists, and by that I mean I pared them down to the bare essentials: on them are things I actually want to own. I feel like I overwhelm people with my epic wanting. Again, I hate this wanting. Wanting is the bane of my existence, my gadfly of sorts. (That was a pretentious allusion, fyi.) <-- That's for D's benefit. And Robert's if he reads this, since we talked about how I think it's funny when people find me pretentious, and how I sometimes like to perpetuate that by saying things that I know are pretentious and obnoxious and hilarious. Except I know that Robert would get the allusion. D doesn't read that kind of stuff. Ha! INFERIOR, MUCH? j/k

So my parents found out my IQ. I thought they knew since like...they're supposed to tell your parents when they give you crazy tests and find out that you're kind of a little bit on the above average end of things, and somehow my parents didn't know. So I told them. And my mom didn't really know what the numbers meant. My dad does though. So my mom is like "ohmyg0d my kid really is smart!" and my dad's all like "see? you're wasting your brain." and people wonder why I dumb it down. Shit like that. THEN my mom was telling my grandmother, and I was like "omg I don't even tell my friends this shit. It's supposed to be a huge secret, and you're sharing it with people who gossip!" My life is ruined. This will be the death of me. I'm going to have to drop out of community college (har har) and work at a really bad place for the rest of my life to prove them wrong. On that note, if one more person gives me shit about where I receive my education, I might punch them in the face. Seriously. It doesn't diminish how capable I am. Or anything. And you can go fuck yourself. (and you know who you are) Life is ruined. I mean---my grandmother never expected me to do anything anyway, and even when I tell her what my major is and what I plan to do with my life, she imagines it as being this incredibly easy thing (because DNA is simple--no big deal and biology is a really easy degree to get, like I don't even have to go to class to finish that shit---anyone could do it). Yeah. My life requires no effort or intelligence; she believes. And my brother is wasting his life. 

How can you waste your life if you're doing something that makes you happy? I happen to feel happy when thinking about DNA and stuff. I happen to feel happy reading biology textbooks. I happen to feel happy when I think of a cool experiment. I happen to feel very happy when my biology professors compliment me on how scientific my approach is to everything. Or when anyone tells me how very analytical I am of everything because it can only help me in my work. Fucking people. And I liked my secret! It's so not anyone's business. Makes.me.mad. and embarrassed. and I want to quit life. Seriously. This makes me want to go to Hawaii so bad and never come home. because I don't want to see anyone in my family. They love to talk. Gossip is not my thing. 

I feel like I might need to make a list of something now. People I respect in makeup!?!!! Pablo Manzoni. A fucking genius if ever one existed. He's old now. His work was once quite beautiful though. Oh, those feathers. Oh....the genius. I can't find any of the work he did that got Elizabeth Arden's attention way back when on the interwebs, but it was gorgeous. Genius. 

People use feathers and such now and think they are SO creative. No, you're not. 

It just makes me want to glue feathers to my face! halloweeeeeen. yay. 

I am way too hyper for this time of night. (1:26 A.M.) I really don't want to take the valerian root. I want to buy some melatonin and anything else that might help with my sleep, so I can like switch it out. But I hear that melatonin isn't allowed to be sold in lots of other countries, like Germany, which makes me think it might not be too smart to take it. I mena--it's a hormone, natural and all, but it does have some important roles in the body, and I don't like to fuck with my hormones too much. So---maybe not a good idea. 

I guess I'll find something to do. Draw. Paint. Write. Read. Watch YT videos. Hate people. 

Ich kann nicht schlaffen (encore?! wtf)

2:30 A.M. is my favorite time of morning, especially when I'm due in my car at 9:00 A.M. to drive to my 10:00 A.M. class wherein I will have to beg my math teacher to have mercy on me and my poor medicated mind. THEN, I have to figure out how to not pass out while performing CPR on mannequins. You may or may not be aware of this, but CPR is not all that easy to do for an asthmatic. By the time I finish five cycles, I need a respirator. Maybe I'm just not cut out to save lives? Oh well. I'm doing it anyway! Take that CPR! 

Due to my rediscovery of last.fm only on a better computer, I am addicted! I can't stop listening. I'm just like "oh man I gotta add this track to my library, so all my last.fm friends will KNOW what I like." I crave to be understood that way. And thank goodness it's playing Kelly Clarkson. I need my friends to know how much I love her music. 

Everything seems to be getting so much better. It is incredibly refreshing. Funny to say this after a week or two of depressive moods. Awesome! 

I think I might like my computer too much for my own good. What if something bad happens to it? I once almost lost it. I left it sitting in my English class. I walked downstairs, and I was like "HOLYSHITWTF?!" and ran back up to find it sitting exactly where I'd left it. Thank goodness. I would have, like, died or some shit.

Sleep would be good right now? I still haven't read Medea. 

I will list all the things I could be doing right now instead of this now. 

1. Read Medea, since I'm due to have read it by TODAY.

2. Study my CPR skill sheets, just to make sure I know what's up.

3. Read anything. Reading is healthy.

4. Draw.

5. Eat. I haven't done that in quite a while.

6. SLEEP. Oh, scratch that. I tried it. Epic fail. 

7. Watch funny videos. 

8. Watch the presidential debates AGAIN.

9. Watch that awesome VP debate AGAIN.

Ich kann nicht schlaffen!

I love bad German!

Anyway, I can't sleep. I haven't been sleeping well lately at all, and it's driving me nuts.

I am very displeased with my speech for my public speaking class in 7 hours. I do not have the energy to improve upon it though.

Frown.