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A quick little update.

I am slotted to work this weekend as an extra in a movie being filmed here, so I will have a little bit of money coming in. Other than that, I am trying to find a more steady job as I am taking a break from school this semester (like I need it---I am so far behind! ugh).

I mixed my own nail polish yesterday. It was my first time ever doing it, and it actually came out pretty well. It reminds me a lot of Color Club Revvvolution, except it is a bit lighter and no holographic-ness to it. It is very pretty nonetheless, and there is a lot of glitter. I used about four different glitter nail polishes in it, two grays, a clear basecoat (to thin it out), some quick dry drops (to thin it out), remnants of Seche Vite topcoat (that's the bottle in which I mixed it), some random Wet 'n' Wild glitter I had lying around, a gold pigment from NYX, a silver pigment from NYX, and a white iridescent pigment from a Hello Kitty stack I bought years ago from Target. The pigments ended up swirling around in the polish, so each application should be a unique experience. That excites me.

I have been doing a lot of e-bay shopping lately. I have spent a total of eighty six dollars or so on e-bay. I bought a gorgeous bra from my favorite bra company (Chantelle) for less than half the retail price (and it is unworn, perfect condition, pretty and lacy, which is not something I can usually wear as I have giant boobs), two nail polishes, some Invader Zim nail decals --not totally sure why I bought those, a Swarovski crystal encrusted snake ring, a cute peridot ring as that is my birthstone, and I have always wanted one!, a lot of five Hamsa pendants, a gold elephant bracelet and maybe something I am forgetting? I do not know.

I also bought a few nail polishes at Walgreens the other day. I bought a Wet 'n' Wild one in Club Havana, which is a nice, neon coral. Two colors from Sinful Colors as I find those nail polishes are fabulous quality, especially for such a cheap price tag. I went to CVS to see if I could find Milani's Dressmaker, which is an exact dupe of Chanel's Jade (which sells now for 400 - 500 USD) and is just a really pretty color, but I could not find it. I shall check other CVS stores. If I am unable to find it, I will try to swap for it or live without it. It is not that important to me, and I am not willing to pay the ridiculous prices people will set for it on e-bay. It is a five fucking dollar nail polish, so I do not think you are justified in setting the base price at fifteen, assholes. I do not care how highly coveted/hard to find the polish is: don't be a dick.

I set up a swap with a girl on MUA, and she has no idea that I am sending her a ridiculous amount of extras. I was already sending her three nail polishes (OPI Got A Date To-Knight, China Glaze Watermelon Rind, and Seche Clear base coat), but I sent her my Poshe top coat because I did not like it even though it is similar to Seche Vite minus all the gross chemicals, and I figured she'd need a thick top coat for Watermelon Rind as it is glittery and thick, which means it'll be chunky feeling without a good, thick top coat. I hope that one works for her. I also sent her a Sally Girl polish in white to use under Got A Date To-Knight because it is a super sheer color that must to be applied over a white base otherwise you'll be applying like five coats to get it opaque. I also sent an OPI mini in You're A Pisa Work. She is only sending me one nail polish and a facial cleanser! I do not know if she will include extras. We shall see. I should receive her package on Wednesday.
I also set up a swap for my black and white striped tunnels that I cannot get into my ears and China Glaze Orange Marmalade (another glittery one; I just don't like glitters that much), but I do not remember offhand what she is sending me. I keep these things recorded, though. I do not think I sent her any extras though. OH! know what she sent me! I already got her package! OPI Chocolate Shake-speare and a Jordana liner in a green sparkly color. And a weird smelling, cheap lip balm. It is a very moisturizing lip balm though. I think I will give it to my sister. Her lips get really dry, and I have tons of lip balms already. I wanted to send her a lip balm tin or two, but I could not find them when I was packing up her package! It shall be sent out today.

Yesterday while I was out with Brother Bear (who left last night, :o(((( I will miss him so much), we found this delightful little antique store behind a DUI school and another antique store, and I was so excited! I found a bunch of really awesome stuff, like a Winnie the Pooh nutcracker, an antique toaster, a bunch of adorable elephant figurines, really nice unicorn figurines, an old-fashioned baby doll stroller, a Swiss musical stein, some adorable necklaces and clutches, a few rooster things for my mom, some owl stuff, adorable furniture, beautiful tableware, a tabletop lighter (I love those!), and lots and lots of other neat things.

I read Middlesex by Jeffree Eugenides, which I hate. I found it to be similar to The Kite Runner in that I believe the author was merely capitalizing on the struggle of intersex individuals at the time of writing and exploiting an important issue just to make money and get on the bestseller list. Oh, and Oprah. Not to mention it is a book that reaches a pretty large audience because it is fiction, and people are afraid to read true stories about things they do not understand --like intersex issues--, and I fear that people will call intersex hermaphrodite, which is incorrect, and they will also just assume that all intersex people are inbred, as the character in the book is closely inbred. Eugenides also wasted a lot of words talking about Greece, explaining the past and did not put much focus on the character's struggle with his sex. It also seems very over-written, like there was too much effort into every single word in the book, and while I know writing should take some effort (it does for most people), I do not want to see your effort. Like dancing, I believe a word of literature should seem as if it was written effortlessly. Not a fan of that book at all. I am not sure if I have already discussed this. I hope I am not repeating myself.

I am going to miss my brother so much while he is away. Obviously I grew up with him, but he was gone at school for three years, and I have had him back at home for a year and a half now, and he is leaving again for school far away. I love my brother! I am so accustomed to having him here now, so I was sad to see him leave. I will have to gather the gas money to go visit him as he will not be coming back home much since his bed is no longer here, and he has to sleep in my room when he visits, which neither of us really likes. He has been having an awfully bad week, too, and I wish I could have cheered him up while he was here. He feels a bit better now though. :o( I miss him!

I suppose there is nothing else new to report, and I shy away from intelligent blog posts. Why would I waste my energy on a silly little blog?

My nails for tomorrow and stuff I got today.

Zoya "Yasmeen" with Essie "Matte About You".

You know how I like responses.

I bought two of those new L'Oreal HiP Color Chrome pencils today. I swatched them on my hand. The darker one has finally started to fade after 10+ hours. They don't smudge. The consistency and wear is very similar to Urban Decay's 24/7 liners, and that's exciting. The only problem is the limited color selection. Since these seem to be smudge-proof (I gave them the same test I gave the UD liners---vigorous scrubbing), I kind of want to buy them in all possible colors. The blue one seems to have disappeared, and that's the one I really wanted in the first place. I settled for gold and purple. I might buy black just because it won't smudge, and it's a pencil! I like pencils. I also bought two NYX single shadows because they were BOGO, and I finally found Lanikai. I just grabbed a random one for the free one since I was kind of in a hurry, and it was Taupe, which is really, really pretty. It is the color I never knew I desperately wanted. It is very similar to MAC's Soft Brown but with a little shimmer. Lanikai is, of course, the beautiful blue I wanted. One day I'll post photos and swatches.

My Zoya order has not been processed; it seems. The last time I ordered something from them, it arrived in two days. And then I was receiving two free nail polishes! I want my order to be processed more quickly! It makes me nervous when I check my bank account, and the money still has not been taken. Not to mention, I really want my nail polishes! AND if I typed my credit card # wrong or something, then I won't get my free polish (or the significantly reduced shipping, whatevs). I'm a Jew. I don't like to pay full price for anything. Damn it.

I have discovered a nail polish that I *must* own, and I am going hunting tomorrow. I believe it is a Sally's Beauty Supply exclusive, which is a problem. There are only two that I would drive to. This nail polish looks particularly spectacular with a matte topcoat over it. I need that, too, but that isn't limited edition, store exclusive, super hard to find and incredibly attractive to ME. I will have this polish. It is so Halloween-y. I mean---I could just buy the Halloween set and get the black I already have (and dislike) with the top coat that makes it look like the nail polish I want, but that's twenty dollars for three things I don't need and one thing I do. I can find the nail polish or swap for it. Or I'll buy the Halloween set. Either way--this is going to be in my possession, and eventually I will pair it with a matte top coat, and it will be glorious.

In other news, I have been reduced to expressing my emotional distress in sports terms. I have absolutely nothing more to say.

Feeling vulnerable and sad and in need of a hug.

My moods are not stable enough considering the amount of medication I take. Perhaps I have been misdiagnosed. Perhaps this is what being normal is like. I would never know.

My nerves feel exposed, and I have needed to take 3+ mg of Xanax every single day, which is for my prescribed dosage, an overdose. I have not been very calm, and I have found that a few people have found it quite humorous to goad me, to upset me, to make me more anxious. I find this unfriendly, offensive, hurtful, inconsiderate, and in extremely poor taste. I do not respect people who find it amusing to push me to a point at which I feel overwhelmed with nerves, as if they are all on icy-fire, and extremely panicky. I suppose that people who do not have panic disorder do not understand that the slightest upset can (not always) cause a panic attack, so I can forgive those whom I know do not understand. There are others to whom I have spoken in confidence about how my brain seems to function, and some of them (not going to name names) still find it humorous to upset me. They go out of their way to do it. They find it humorous. And it is not funny to cause someone physical and emotional pain. I am unsure what kind of person does that, what makes him or her behave that way, but I will only take so much of it. We all have breaking points. Mine is rather far off. I will take a lot of crap from people because I truly believe the Buddha was right, and there is no blame to be placed upon these individuals. However, I am not the Buddha or any bodhisattva, and I will eventually snap, call you out on your bullshit, and I cease to care how it might make you feel, as you have exhibited a lack of care for how I feel for months, maybe years. People take advantage of my honesty, my openness about mental illness and how it affects me, my inability and unwillingness to feel ashamed, and I find that deplorable. That is not how a friend should ever behave, and trust me; I know who is my friend and who is not, and who never was. I have never been a fool in that arena, and I have always been a very skilled actress (ask my theatre teachers). 

In other news, I have been able to re-secure my classes for next semester, and I will be paying for them bright and early tomorrow morning. The bad news is that I may not be able to buy my medication that I need to, like, live, literally. It will be handled. My parents are incompetent morons who need to take some valium (and stop being so fucking selfish), but I will ensure that it is handled. I'm not interested in dying this week, and I'm especially not interested in confusing the chemicals in my brain either. My parents make me want to kill myself. It is the most poisonous environment I can imagine. I would rather live my entire life in a psychiatric hospital than be in the company of those people. I discussed it in therapy, and all my therapist could say was "why are you still there?" I cannot function without their idiocy. 

I have a social outing planned this week which requires me taking a long-ish drive to funtabulous place to do funtabulous things. I am trying to think of the best route to take. Having driven to this place multiple times over an entire summer for a fantastic job that I miss, I know several routes. I must choose the one with which I feel most comfortable on that day. Social outings are fun. 

Thursday should also be full of excitement, and if it is not, I swear I will cry. Over the weekend I experienced disappointment after disappointment after disappointment, and if I must have another one, I know I will not handle it well, especially with my nerves in their current state. I am supposed to see D whom I have not seen in a week. Thursday will be a week and four days, assuming things go according to plan. When my nerves are in this condition, I truly need him. He is unavailable. He is always unavailable. I may as well not have a boyfriend at this point. I am OK with things the way they are, except when I feel this way I find it rather inconvenient. 

I bought socks yesterday. Since it is summer and all, Target has all of their amazing thigh-high sweater socks on clearance for under 5USD, which pleases me greatly. I love thigh-high sweater socks, so I bought two pairs. I passed the mascara I desperately want to try because I already have one mascara that I have yet to use, and I hate to put my mascara in a position to be wasted. I was going to go to Ulta to purchase my favorite Jane mascara in abundance because I cannot find it anywhere else, but I decided I didn't want to buy it as there are other mascaras in the world.

I then wandered around the store swatching various eyeliner pencils. The Urban Decay 24/7 liners are absolutely fantastic. They come in gorgeous colors, go on very smoothly (no tugging), and they do not smudge once placed. I rubbed over each of them with my finger, and not one of them budged. Even when I got home to remove them from my hand, they took a little effort to remove but not enough that it would be painful on the eye. I also tried a couple of face primers that I have been eyeing. Both were phenomenal, and both are 30USD each. It may be worth it to have a fantastic primer. I am unsure as of right now. I played with the UD liquid liners as well: they too do not smudge. I am very, very impressed with them. The Stila kajal pencils go on smoothly, but they smudge even after a long setting period. I tried some Too Faced liquid metal liners, and they were crap. I found a gorgeous blush: peach by Too Faced. 

I also received my MUA package today. I received NYX black lip gloss and NYX Mermaid Green eye shadow. The eyeshadow is the same color as Warm Chill, except more pigmented. Woe. 

I am done.

Michael Jackson made Barack Obama president.

I watched Michael Jackson's memorial today despite thinking it was sick to televise and comment on such an event, and in so doing I was told by Al Sharpton in a rather convoluted way that YES Michael Jackson is the reason Barack Obama is the president now. That is just not even OK. You can pay respects without heaping undue credit, Al. I'm just saying. I found Charles Gibson and whoever else's commentary of the event pretty offensive, like it was a fucking golf tournament. And watching his daughter come on stage and say what she did and cry---sad. That did not need to be on TV. Inappropriate! 

I went shopping today, and I forgot to get mascara. I always need mascara. I did, however, find two nail polishes that I have been unable to find for a long time: Green-wich Village (Kermit green) and Banana Bandana (creamy banana milkshake). I also got a free OPI Top Coat. I also bought two NYX eyeshadows (falling in love!), a NYX pencil sharpener, and one NYX Jumbo Eye Pencil in Horse Raddish (that's how it's spelled on the pencil. The eye shadows are White (matte white) and Golden Dune (bronze). I got white because the other white shadow I have is Geisha, and it's really glittery, and I wanted a matte white for a highlight and such. The foundation primer I want was nowhere to be found. I also got a purple eye pencil. Ulta automatic eyeliner or something--I forgot the color name, but it's purple. The jumbo pencil I got is the same color as MAC's Warm Chill which means it will be a good base for it. Yay. 

I also got my ARC Adult/Child AED/CPR, Infant CPR, and First Aid certification cards today. For some reason the infant CPR card expires five months before the adult/child one does. So yeah. Now I can prove that I'm certified to save your life! 

Some creep sent me a message asking me to make a video of myself crying for him. No. 

Children are hypersensitive, even the teenaged ones. 

I wish I owned a copy of The Lorax. 

I need to do my laundry. Again.

I shopped again.

 My lighting gives things a reddish glow, but I did my nails today with my new nail polish: A Grape Fit! by OPI. 

I also bought Done out in Deco, Yoga-Ta Get This Blue!, and a Revlon nail polish in Gold Get 'Em. The last was on clearance, and it's a really shimmery, pastel yellow. The OPI polishes are colors after which I have been lusting for quite some time. They're buy 2 get 1 free at Ulta, so I grabbed some. In the nail department I also bought OPI's AvoPlex exfoliating cuticle treatment. I'm pretty sure that I don't need it since I use my Burt's Bees cuticle creme everyday, but we'll see. I like the way it smells! 

I bought one more hair product for the week: got2b Smooth Operator Smoothing Lustre Lotion. It is a heat and UV protectant while also smoothing the hair, of course. I used it, and the smell bothers me (too sweet), but it did what it's supposed to do. I also used the mousse today. I like the mousse. It didn't make my hair feel gross or anything, but it has the same smell as the lotion, obviously. 

While at Ulta I got a NYX lipstick in Pandora. It's a purple color, the same color as the African Queen lip gloss. I like it in small doses. 

I also got the Physician's Formula Baked Collection Wet/Dry Eyeshadow in Baked Oatmeal. I swatched them, and they are all really pretty. The only problem is that the packaging is difficult to fit into my storage. I'm running out of space! And despite being a bit bulky, I like the little compact. It's a very thin line. 

I used the L'Oreal Telescopic mascara today, and I am not impressed. I don't know why anyone would be. As I said, the wand is flimsy, and when applied, the mascara is too wet. It clumped, too. While applying, the flimsy wand feels like it's going to break against my lashes. It lengthens well enough, no volumizing. It's just a normal mascara to me, not the worst, not the best. 

I also got a Twilight poster and stuck it on my door, but we don't need to talk about that (but it's so fucking hilarious). 

I finally figured out the proper way to use the Seche Vite topcoat, and it's a BITCH to use. One must let it bead up on the brush and then drop that onto the nail, then spread it around while the polish is still wet. It doesn't disturb the polish, but it can get a little messy. I got it all over my hands. Also, it is high maintenance! It requires a thinner to keep it workable. Otherwise it will get too hard and goopy to use. What the hell is that? I want a topcoat that I don't have to buy extra products to use! Anyway--I said my nails chipped before. Perhaps that was because I was applying the product incorrectly. We shall see. Perhaps it is worth buying the fucking Seche Restore that the Vite requires to keep. Ridiculous. 

I think my cousin's boyfriend should go on So You Think You Can Dance. He dances. 

Shpilkes!*

I am about to have a heart attack or something. It's painful.

I have discovered a new compulsion: the compulsion to have new things. Many people who suffer from OCD have this problem. These are the people who have houses full of random objects with which they refuse to part, ever, until they die. They have to save their medicine bottles, newspapers, boxes, books, possibly even paper towels. I have a space filled with books, papers, shoes, makeup, makeup packaging, clothes, storage devices not currently in use, a guitar I never play, a keyboard I never play anymore, dust bunnies, makeup catalogues, college application forms that I will never use, plastic bags, cardboard boxes (evil cardboard! eiw.), paper that needs to be recycled, bedding packaging, handbags, stuffed animals, protest signs, posters, collectibles, empty plastic containers waiting to be recycled, lotions, water bottles, beer glasses that I don't use, DVDs that I don't watch, clothes I don't wear,  OHMYKOSHERMEATS THIS IS INSANE. I add to this pile at least once a week. I must add to this pile at least once a week, twice preferably. I am filled with extreme anxiety if I am unable to add new things, yet I don't need new things (except purple nail polish--I still need that). It's disgusting. I must speak to my therapist. This will be top priority next Monday when I see her, after I've bought some mousse for my hair and some nail polish and some eyeliner and an eyebrow pencil and maybe some foundation or mascara or a foundation primer or something really, really important like that. 

I think I am developing some sort of mania. That is priority two for therapy. This is important. I should write this on some paper that can accompany me to therapy. I am going to do it. I am going to write this shit on a piece of paper and stick it in my purse. That's what I'm doing. I don't think there are types of mania, diagnostically, but for sure I have manic episodes, just not real ones. I guess that makes no sense. 

Anyway, that's happening, and it's weird, and I don't like it. 

I am drinking 125 calories of delicious goodness right now! Vitamin Water XXX. Love it. 

*Shpilkes - noun. Nervous energy. (Yiddish)

Purple.

I am seriously lacking purple in my makeup collection and my nail polish collection. This has to change. I did a whole bunch of eyeshadow swatching the other night when I could not sleep, and I decided that there are not many colors I really need to add. I need a really good, bright orange, a good, bright yellow, and purple, preferably a darker purple. I have a light shimmery purple that I never use and don't particularly like, and that's it. THIS MUST CHANGE! 

I also want to try this new L'oréal Telescopic Explosion mascara. The wand is similar to that of Givenchy Phenomen'eyes, which I would never buy because it's overpriced crap, however, the want is very interesting. I don't think I've ever used a L'oréal mascara. I stick to Maybelline, Rimmel, and Too Faced! I think that's all I have. Oh, I do have that one CoverGirl mascara. This reminds me that I want blue mascara. I do not know why. I just want blue mascara, and I want a more reddish-brown brown mascara. I can only find ones that look black, and I don't want one that looks black; I want one that looks BROWN. I also want an auburn eyebrow pencil, so it will match my hair color better. 

Today, Pierre ate three roly polies. It was so sad to watch such a massacre of little isopods. I thought he just wanted to look at them and sniff them, but no! he wanted to nom them! Tsk tsk. I hope my cats do not eat them. They sometimes carry icky parasitoids, not that an icky parasitoid would hurt my dog, but still---gross. 

My sister is very interested in disgusting little bugs, like the roly poly. She keeps asking what they are. I told her they are related to lobsters and crabs and lice, as they are a type of woodlice. Eiw. I suppose I could go through the entire kingdom, phylum, subphylum, class, order, suborder, family, genus, species, subspecies (except they aren't a subspecies) thing with her, but WHY would I do that? 

I miss my gorilla studies. This is what makes me think sometimes that I should go into zoology or something similar. I liked being with them everyday. 

I just got an e-mail from MAC saying that they will have free shipping on ALL order placed between now and 6 June. This means that I can order the slimshine lipstick that is being discontinued by itself, free-shipping, and be happy. I am excited. Thank you, maccosmetics.com!

I am dousing my hands in keratin and vitamin E lotion to help my nails grow as quickly as possible. They were cut super short for those acrylics, which I forcibly removed because they were driving me crazy, and now my nails are super short, and I hate it! Maybe I should start eating lots and lots of gelatin, too! They need to grow out faster!!!

Now I must take my noon nap. Ugh. 

I forgot.

I realize that I totally forgot to put my list of OPI nail polishes that I desperately need to own. I know that anyone reading my blog desperately wants to know. It is very difficult to compile a list of these types of things though! Very difficult. I hate my Ulta because they never have a good selection of nail polishes. Last time I was there though they were restocking nail polish, but I was kind of in a hurry. :o( It's OK. Also, they didn't have the primer I wanted. Assholes. They were out the day I was there to shop! Sadness.

I have hot water now. That's good. I can shower. I decided to go ahead and wash my hair today even though I wasn't going to for a week because it just felt really gross, and surprisingly, it didn't really change my water purple like it normally does. Yay! 

I have to go to sleep.

My list is not complete.

Mehron Palettes:

Metallic

Tropical

Pastel

Basic 

(all of them)

Stila:

Eyes

Kajal Eye Liner:

Onyx

Topaz

Emerald

Sapphire

Smudge Pot:

Black

Bronze

Eye Shadow:

Marrakesh Palette

Precious Pearl Palette

Mascara:

Lash Visor 

Face:

Hydrating Primer SPF 15

Illuminating Liquid Foundation in 10 Watts

All Over Shimmer Liquid Luminzer

Perfecting Concealer in a, aa, b, c, and e. 

Cheeks:

Baked Cheek Duo in Pink Glow

Convertible Color:

Lillium

Gladiola

Petunia

Peony

Rouge Pot:

Amaryllis

Jasmine

Lotus 

Water Lily

Lips

High Shine Lip Color:

Diane

Guinivere

Louise

It Gloss:

Inviting

Lip Liner:

Contour No. 20

Lip Color:

Cynthia

Miranda

Fiona

Kelly

Luce

Nicole

Olivia

Darla

Lip Glaze:

Apricot

Fruit Punch

Black Cherry

Honeydew

Lemongrass

Strawberry

Red Apple

Sweet Orange

Watermelon

Scents:

Jade Blossom Eau de Parfum

Jade Blossom Hair Refresher

So as one can see here, I want lots and lots and lots of makeup items (though the scents don't count--I NEED THEM). 

And this is not an exhaustive list. I didn't mention anything from lots of other companis that I like, like Everyday Minerals (it's not here because I actually will purchase those items---I love them, particularly the Snuggle blush). 

I should have put up a wish list for Lush and Best Bath Store. Ha. Maybe I can do that tomorrow. For now, I have decided to give my mother a manicure for mother's day and a nice card that I have not made yet. I'm also going to nom this giant bag of Trolli Sour Brite Crawlers worms that my mommy got me at the store. They don't seem to make the gummy octopodes anymore, and that makes me extremely sad. They were my favorite things in the world to nom. 

I got my ULTA catalogue today which is exciting and a problem. I have only today to get my free gift for spending so much money there in January, but I don't feel like going to get it, and it's only a bottle of nail polish (of which my ULTA has a poor selection) or one of their eyeshadows, which I don't like. I could probably find something, but I'm just not in the mood to go, and my thing expires tomorrow. I do plan to do some shopping there soon though because I just want stuff. We all know that. Also they sent me a super sweet coupon, and lots of stuff is on sale, and I love shopping. I could get some hair stuff or some mascara or something. I do so love buying those things. I also found a curling iron I want. I need a new one. I think I'm going to let my hair grow out for the summer just so I can curl it in different ways. I like having curled hair, but I HATE curling it. It takes forever. I need to find a new face primer. I want to try the Sally Hansen one. Right now I am using various things.  I could also use more hair accessories. Hmm...I think I just made a new wish list. Oops. 

I just need to soak in the fact that I don't have to do anything for THREE MONTHS.

Three months gives me lots of time to ponder my life. I can figure out what's wrong with me. I can play with my meds more. I can get better. I can relax. I can go to the hospital if I want without stressing about missing something important! because sometimes I miss that place so much. I can go to the park and sleep on a bench. (except not) I can go to the library. I can sleep. (I hope) I can shop. (I could do that anyway) 

Which reminds me: I bought new nail polish! and a new eyeshadow. I don't know why I bought the eye shadow because it's green, and I have at least two green eyeshadows in that color already. Whatevs. I have it, and I have a plan for it. If only I had friends and stuff who went out with me, I could use these makeup plans. My life sucks. I am not who I was born to be.

The nail polish is a China Glaze cream color called Shower Together. It's from the Ecollection, which I love. I can't find all the colors at any stores around me, but I collect them as I find them. So I have two colors from it thus far. I have four from the summer collection. I don't like the summer collection all that much. I don't like glittery nail polish all that much. So. Shower Together is a gorgeous blue green, like a pretty ocean. (I have never seen a pretty ocean.) I painted my nails with Wild Mink (bright pink--gorgeous) last night when my hands finally stopped shaking, and they look OK. I also shortened all of them because I was just tired of them being super long. (stupid healthy nails) So my nails look good today. They'll probably look good for a week or so. It doesn't matter though because I'm not going anywhere. 

I was supposed to hang out with Robert today. I slept a lot today, and this morning I typed out the annotated bibliography and mailed it to my teacher, and I don't know. I am feeling particularly unwell. Just not good at all. 

I have a pretty good idea of what I shall discuss in my final essay for English, but I am not sure what I will do about the extra credit essay on Milton's Paradise Lost. It's only the first two books, but that is almost the problem for me. I don't know how to write about a part of something, not the whole. I don't know. I obviously don't have to do it because it's extra credit, but I have to do it because I got a 52 on the first test. And I have to do it well. 

Tomorrow I start studying for my history final. I am going to study so hardcore. I absolutely cannot fail. It is not a choice. 

I do not have to study very hard for my psychology final because it's easy, and it's stuff I already know, but we have to take two tests. Also, I never did the book report, and my teacher would not let me turn it in late, so I have a missing grade. I need to do well on the final to get like..a C probably. This semester is going to destroy my GPA, even if I don't fail anything. Ugh. 

I also must add that I am rather pleased to have found cute shorts that look cute on me. I happen to buy and own a lot of shirts that only look cute with shorts. So I need more than like one pair. I do have my safari shorts, of course, but I never go on safaris! Hmph. 

Forsooth.

I swear I'm not listening to Fall Out Boy. 

So—my mother consistently says she believes my therapist is useless. I tried to tell her that my therapist does quite a lot more for me than the psychiatrist, since all the doctor does is dole out medication and potentially harmful side-effects. My therapist tries to help me think about my problems, take responsibility for the things of which I am able, and be honest with myself. And she's done a good job. I'm better at understanding that I have a certain level of say-so in how I feel today or tomorrow or how I felt yesterday, and I have a say-so in how I deal with it, even if I have to fight with my head a little. I also understand that I cannot hide behind anxiety, which is a really easy thing to do. It's incredibly easy to run away from things when you have mental illness on your side, or in your head. "I can't deal with that because it makes me anxious." The more I say that, the more anxious I get, and the fewer things I am able to do. I still have to acknowledge the anxiety, but I should not hide behind it. That's not a happy existence at all. Anyway--she helps me with that stuff. That's more important than handing me some Xanax and telling me to do with it whatever I want (which is basically what the doctor does, very strange, these psychiatrists). 

I have definitely seen an increase in headaches since I started the new medication, but I have also seen an increase in pollen and stress and allergies going nuts. That's another thing my therapist helps me sort. Is this psychosomatic? Is this a real side-effect? Am I paranoid? I appraise things now. It's much safer that way. 

Today my mother took me shopping with her, and then she didn't buy anything for herself even though I totally kept trying to drag her to things she'd want to buy. I was done shopping for myself within fifteen minutes and tried things on and sorted through them and only bought five things. My mother proceeded to shop for my sister for about two hours. And she bought herself a pair of socks. Then we came home, and she complained that she didn't get anything for herself. She does that a lot. I think she needs it. Anyway, I got two pairs of super cute shorts and three shirts. Two of the shirts are t-shirts like the one in my post below with my beautiful nail polish. I absolutely love that particular t-shirt, so I bought a white one and a periwinkle one. I was going to get a turquoise-y one, but I decided to just leave it at three of the same shirt. I can go crazy buying the same shirt in millions of colors because I'm weird like that. This particular shirt happens to fit me really well and stuff, though. So hmph. And it's really soft. It's not cheaply made. I love it. And it gave me more purple in my closet. And who doesn't need a white t-shirt? I love it. Anyway, the last shirt I got is a really pretty, royal blue. I have been trying to add a larger variety of colors to my wardrobe lately. All I seem to have is lots of gray, black, and yellow. The two pairs of shorts I got are gray though. One has stripes with cute, white buttons on it, and the other pair is like..idk. They're cute, and they looked cute on me. They're a size 1. I haven't worn a size 1 since I was 13. Forsooth. That was fun to type. 

I love Savage Garden. And I am not ashamed. My iTunes just blessed me with TWO Savage Garden songs in a row on shuffle. Thank you, iTunes. I wonder why no one discusses them anymore. They're totally pop awesomeness. Seriously. 

I am very upset with this Seche Vite topcoat. I had it on my nails for three days, and the shit chipped. Actually, it peeled. I have this problem when I wash my hair of strands of hair sliding beneath my nail polish and peeling it off. I suppose the polish was too thick. At least, that's what I'm telling myself because I spend a lot of time and money making my nails look pretty (and trust me, it's my least favorite thing to do in terms of maintenance). Only one nail chipped. I will fix it, and I will leave the color on my nails. I'm not interested in redoing all of them right now, not with all these headaches. 

I am also really upset that I cannot find the fucking dry shampoo that I want at my Sally's. Why does my Sally's not have it? WHY?! Hmph. I am going to have to find one and buy it because it seems stupid to order it online when I'm sure there is another store nearby, or close enough that it's worth the trip. 

I want bath stuff. I have this urge to take a bubble bath, but I want a very specific sort of bubble bath. Someone buy me bubbles! I generally hate baths, except salt baths. I love salt baths. I should take a salt bath. My skin would be so happy. 

Everyone should take salt baths. 

I have become the bum friend who says "I'll totally send the fork in two weeks..." and then doesn't send the fork. I MUST SEND THAT FORK. I seem to have lost it again. As soon as the semester is over  (one class period! and then a week of finals! eep!), I am cleaning this fucking room. I need summer projects, and this room is a fucking mess. Today I found an old bra that a cat had peed on. I have no idea when this happened, but I have officially banned those beasts from my bedroom. Not only do they make me sick, but apparently they've been doing some unauthorized micturition, and that is unacceptable. Unacceptable. 

So---everything is going to be cleaned, and I'm going to vacuum, and I am going to clean my carpet. I used to do those things weekly, but then I got --sicker and anxious-er and busier (shocking) and just lost my drive. My room used to be pristine. I miss those days. They shall soon return with a vengeance. And while I'm at it, I need to repaint one of my walls. I'm not sure if I still have the paint though. I'll have to ask my dad. Or maybe I can paint it a different color. Pink? Oooh turquoise! That would be pretty, considering that was the original color scheme. And that matches my bed set, if I ever decide to use it. I also need something else on my window. I hate blinds of any sort. I really need super thick drapes that keep out the hot and cold temperatures and the evil light, since I hate all of those things, and I can move them in the mornings (or whenever) when I do my makeup, since that's the only reason I need a window. 

One thing I have always really liked about this fucking house that I hate is that the yard is fantastic and never gets hot. It gets a bit swampy-feeling and mosquito-y, but mosquitoes don't like me, so that's not an issue. It's always really cool in my yard, so it's not too bad to go outside and sit in the summer time because there are so many trees keeping the air nice and cool and oxidized. <-- That's not really the right word to use, but it was fun. Oxygenated. Oxygenated is the correct word, but oxidized is so much more fun. I miss chemistry! And I still want the giant poster of the periodic table of elements to put on my wall. I have to rearrange the furniture in here, too. The bed needs to be on the other side of the room. The chi in here is not good. Yes, I just said CHI. I sound like a bi-polar right now. Awesome. 

I guess I'll go to sleep now. Again. I have been sleeping way too much lately. Way too much.

I just realized that tomorrow I have to run to the library and get that book I need to read for my psychology class because the report is due on Monday. Fuck my weekend. I have too much to do, but I shall focus, and I will get it done (because it's really not that much). I have to do a bit of research on a couple of writers, some historical background, and I have to e-mail my partner, type out the annotated bibliography, plan my speech --sort of, and read that book and write about it. DONE. Two days. Well, two and a half days for the English stuff. I will get it done. 

I really want Vanilla and Mutiny pigments from MAC. Mutiny is limited edition and currently being re-promoted. I need it. I need it. I need it. It's so gorgeous. 

My nails are gorgeous!

So I bought more nail polish. As usual. I can't help it if it's buy two get one free at Sally's, and I compulsively buy things. 

What I Bought:

China Glaze:

For Audrey

V

Ruby Pumps.

Seche Vite Fast Dry Topcoat. 

Currently on my nails is For Audrey, which is obviously a nod to Audrey Hepburn, as it's Tiffany blue, even though everyone knows Cartier is way better. Whatevs. I hate diamonds, so I'll call it robin egg blue. Same thing. 

But it's so pretty! I'm not sure I like it for Spring. I mean--it's sort of like an Easter egg on each of my nails, but it seems more summery. I don't know. 

Now about China Glaze polishes, I prefer the cream ones, like For Audrey and Secret Perwinkle. The shimmer ones are streaky, and the glitter ones are chunky and impossible to remove, though they're all really pretty. I cannot wait to try to pink one I have: Wild Mink. It's so pink! 

I also have more hair stuff. 

I saw my therapist. She thinks my psychiatrist has lost his touch due to his inability to understand the facets of my personality to which he ought to pay close attention, like my obsessive nature and tendency to psychosomatically cause myself to have any adverse reactions of which he tells me of any prescriptions he prescribes to me. Every single time. "This might aggravate your anxiety." Two weeks later: This really aggravated my anxiety. With the new medicine he's given me, I might be able to psychosomatically kill myself! Wouldn't that be something? Only not. I already experienced every common side effect, and I haven't had any of them recur. I hope not to experience any again as they were all particularly unpleasant. I do still have to see my normal doctor though due to general lethargy and a swollen arm and pain and the Death that is quickly encroaching my normal problems. Stupid Death. 

So I've been reading The Bell Jar, and of course it's not particularly healthy for me, except when dear Esther discusses her experience with ECT, I feel like pretending I never feel depressed anyway because even though it's much less terrible now, I'm sure it's quite unpleasant, and these days doctors are just as ECT happy as they ever were. It makes me feel better since I've never been electrocuted. I mean been put through electroconvulsive therapy. Whatevs. I'm almost finished with it. So of course I won't read the last few chapters. I'll move on to something else.

I actually have tons of work to do. A book report, an oral report (with partner), study history for the rest of my life, AND not stress myself to death. Oh and visit the doctor to have her look at this painful, swollen, hard arm thing and make it stop being so painful! ouchies. Seriously. Big ouch. 

It is my bed time. Sort of. 

AND I got an A on my psychology test.

Convoluted what?

I just sent the weirdest e-mail to Frank from Post Secret. I rule.

The baby shower was horrendous, of course. My cousin, the one for whom the shower was thrown, tried to save me and my social awkwardness, but it was a fail. She's super tiny to be about to pop. I'm sure most pregnant women would be jealous of that fact. I ate cookies. The cake disturbed me, and it was too sweet. If I counted correctly, there were four pregnant people at this shower and at least three younger people who just had babies. And of course the older relatives. Seriously---everyone is having babies. Why? WHY?! I got a gift because my aunt did not want hers. I almost won the "don't say baby" game, but someone else had one more bow than I did, which is mostly because I didn't say anything when people said the B word. I almost won the put the pacifier on the baby, but I was a little off center. Oh, the gift I got was a really pretty photo album. Now I must take pictures and stick them in it! My small sister won the pacifier game, and she got hand soap and lotion, as if she'll use it. 

I am having some weird problems with my throat again. I hate it. I'm pretty sure my larynx is going to just fall out one day. Or disintegrate. Or something. It feels unhappy. 

My grandmother asked me a million questions in the car, and one of them was "so---it's none of my business, but do you think you and [love dove] will get married?" and I was like "?!?!?!?!?!?!" I am pretty sure I once told her that I wouldn't get married until gay people could. I could be lying though. I'm not sure. 

My two great grandmothers gossiped the entire time we were in the car--about two hours total. It was horrible. I realized I have very little patience for gossip. Unless it's my gossip, obviously.

I haven't bought new shoes in a very long time nor have I really wanted to buy any shoes. I have been buying lots of makeup and nail polish though. I guess that's why. I want to buy more nail polish, too. I want China Glaze's Ruby Pumps. It's so pretty. And For Audrey. I was going to get those two the other day when I bought the others, but the For Audrey that was there--only two left--was not cute looking, and by that I mean they had done that gross settling thing where you can tell if they'll work or not. I probably should have gotten it. It's a rather unique color. And I like unique colors. 

My makeup today was very pretty. I wore a pink shirt, so I did yellow and pink on my lids. Very pastel. very spring. very happy. And some brown. I love brown eyeshadow! I have about six or seven matte brown eyeshadows. They are all in different palettes. 

Again, today I used the Everyday Minerals foundations. I mixed all three of them together to give myself more coverage, and I found that by the end of the day my face felt suffocated. I won't be doing that again. They do give really great coverage though, even on their own. I love Everyday Minerals. I really, really like the blush I bought--Snuggle. It's the prettiest color, and it is perfect for my skin tone, even the new, slightly tanned one. I'm not going to be using my tanning lotion for a few days though as I don't want it to be too dark. I'll go back to my carrot stuff. 

Which reminds me, the other day after I applied my Yes to Carrots lotion on my hands, I licked my finger for some reason, and the lotion got on my tongue, obviously, and it tasted Delicious. It was quite disturbing. 

Which reminds me again, I love the shampoo and conditioner. The scent of them, which is the same as the lotion, stays in my hair all day long, no matter how many other products I use in it that have strong smells (such as Chi Silk Infusion, my love). It's delicious. 

I never got around to doing my Maleficent makeup. How unfortunate. It was going to be so pretty, too. Maybe that's what I'll do for Halloween. 

One of my freshly painted nails chipped. Awesome. I hate chipped nails. It drives me nuts. I need to buy that polish thinner stuff (I think it's just turpentine or something, but perhaps diluted to be safer for use on the nails) that one can use to fix chips and stuff without having to redo the entire nail. As if that's really worthwhile. Ugh. 

Being out all day caused me to miss my naps. Being off my nap schedule makes me extremely tired, more so than usual. I came home and slept for about five hours, and I'm still super tired.

I used the Dead Sea Mud mask from Best Bath Store, and I love it. It smells like dirt, and it feels like dirt, but it makes my skin feel super clean, and it also slightly exfoliates, since it's pretty much dirt. 

Today I watched a video on YouTube about using champagne as a toner on one's face. That's all nice and clever, but why the fuck would a person do that? That's just stupid. No one is ever like "oh, I've run out of my toner, I guess I'll use my champagne". People just don't do that. It's not like people just keep champagne laying around their homes, and most normal people wouldn't waste it on their face. Blech. You could just go to the store and buy a bottle of ethyl alcohol (as opposed to isopropyl), and you're good to go. Ugh. People. This person also made a video about how to make curls using paper bags, because we need to waste more paper, obviously. I sent her a message saying she could use cloth, which is more sturdy, less likely to break down under wet hair, and REUSABLE therefore being environmentally friendly. What a fucking moron. I mean, seriously. Yes. 

I should go back to sleep. Tomorrow I have to read and clean and study and organize! And maybe shop... 

I don't mean to eavesdrop.

Today in English I did fantastic in that I didn't shy away from talking to people! I even offered help with French homework! Holy crap. 

I almost ended up doing a presentation on Gulliver's Travels which I was totally down to do because I happen to like it (and the satirical aspects of it interest me as well), but then the teacher said that the other thing to do was about women beginning to speak out against their treatment, and the only other people left to do presentations are male, and I was like "um---I think we should take that sense we're women, and we won't be stupid about it." I don't want to generalize that men are morons or anything, but I've noticed that the ones in that class, when speaking about serious subjects such as women's desire for more exposure to the world, etc., they act like twelve year olds. So my partner and I are going to do that. I think it should work. The girl with whom I am partnered is quiet, nice, and not a moron, so I am not particularly concerned about how that's going to work. I just want to make sure we're not reading from a power point presentation. I suppose I'll discuss that with her on Monday. She also seems like she'd let me do all the talking, which I prefer, but I wouldn't ask anyone to NOT speak if they wanted. Whatever. It will be worked out. 

I actually ended up being late for my history class because I stayed so late after English talking to my teacher and a few of my fellow students. Oopsies. But look at me being social! 

About eavesdropping, I heard one of the Twilight girls in my English class say (before class,  and very loudly so it's not my fault) "so apparently I'm not as gay as I thought I was" and then she went on to say how frustrating it was because it was like figuring yourself out all over again, and I just wanted to turn around and give her a hug and tell her she doesn't have to figure shit out because definitions aren't necessary, and if she wanted to talk, I understand and shit. Me and my fucking compassion. Ugh. I really did want to say something. She seemed upset, and the person to whom she was saying it had nothing helpful to say. :o/ Decisions, decisions. I decided not to say anything. It's none of my business. 

I am tired of typing.

Today I bought Yes to Carrots Shampoo and Conditioner, Dr. Bronner's Castile Soap in Lavender, and three nail polishes from China Glaze: Wild Mink, Solar Power, and Flying Dragon (neon). The last one is absolutely gorgeous. I love all the colors. I cannot wait to try them out.

I've been using Jergens Natural Glow Revitalizing daily moisturizer to give myself some color (for my face, too--the face one), and it seems to be working so far. I'm pleased with the results. It's working better on my arms and face than my legs though. Odd. I might buy the one for darker skin tones for my legs if it doesn't change soon. Anyway, yeah.

I may be going shopping tomorrow, which makes me happy. If I don't, I'll be studying and napping. I could nap forever. 

And it continues...

Today I gave in to two of my most severe problems: obsession and compulsivity. 

I went shopping. I did not buy anything though because I found nothing of interest, except this one thing, but I figured it would not fit, and I did not want to try it on, so I left it. I walked out of the store, to my car and cried. Yes, cried. That was the compulsion.

I thought I had an English test today. I didn't. We were watching a movie. My teacher pushed the test back a week, which I would have known had I been to class in the past week and a half. I am having problems. 

The obsessing is something I am not going to discuss openly, but it's something that has caused me most emotional unrest for quite some time, and I HATE IT. The source of the emotional unrest is a person, a bad person to be sure, and this person should be eradicated from existence, or at least my peripheral existence. This probably won't happen. I might have to take certain matters into my own hands, and I know how badly that always goes. 

All the bad is coming back with this new medications, and I don't like it. Doctor on Thursday. He's going to get an earful. I am very displeased. And tired ALL the time. 

So I bought this new nail polish last week from OPI called Gargantuan Green Grape, and I was so excited when it arrived today, so I just HAD to try it out like ten minutes ago. It sucks. It is very similar to another, better, cheaper color that I already have (I was led to believe it was lighter but..not really), and it required THREE COATS. It still doesn't really look particularly decent on my nails. I'm pretty peeved to say the least. 

Also on my list of excruciatingly frustrating things is my boyfriend. What else? He lacks direction and drive and motivation and purpose (like I do), and he has no goals. I don't know how you live a life without a goal. What are you doing? Why do you do anything? And he won't talk about anything, anymore. And he has so many convenient excuses. It's fucking ridiculous. I hope that this is the one blog entry that he actually bothers to read, as he's told me a few times that he has no idea where this blog is EVEN THOUGH it is conveniently linked on my Facebook profile for all to read. Awesome. He's really fine. I'm just really pissed off right now. Three paragraphs ago involves him. 

Happy things to end the post: A lovely friend sent me a pound of gummi Smurfs, and some random, mystery gummi things. I am afraid to eat them, but I am sure I will do that soon. 

I don't have enough blue in my life. 

Confessions.

Very quickly I must confess that yesterday morning as soon as I woke up I ran to Target to buy Twilight on DVD. I just had to see it Right Then. And it is Horrible. It is worse than the books. And twinkling when Edward goes in the sunlight? Dude. Chees-y. The only good thing about this movie is the score. That man, Carter Burwell, is a genius! The director is an idiot, Catherine Hardwicke. I really like Kristin Stewart even though sometimes she's really awkward and not really doing a good job, but I just like her. I want to pet her or something. They totally didn't follow the book, and I have no idea how anyone who worked on this project is proud of themselves. Except Carter Burwell. And Kristin Stewart for being cute, all the time. Robert Pattinson = suckage. And why did they make him So Incredibly Unattractive? Is Edward not supposed to be super smoking hot? Did I read that wrong? No, I didn't. The casting director is an idiot, and the makeup artist is, too. And so is anyone else who thinks he's hot. He's NOT. In fact, I think this book really just should have been left alone, as a book series. It's not Harry Potter. It was bad in the first place, so why go make it worse and turn it into an even worse movie? And who the hell chose what's her name to play Rosalie? She's a little chunky and not even pretty enough to be Rosalie. wtf? You take a bad book, and you turn it into an even worse movie, and you can't even cast people correctly?! The only one who was casted perfectly was Bella. Kristin Stewart is awkward and Bella-ish. Everyone else was a bit off. The whole thing was bad. I mean---I'll still watch it. It's mildly entertaining, and I did spend $20 on it. I don't hate it. I am just confused at how anyone is not taking this as a spoof. And they should have known better than to take that book and make it into a movie. There were too many things in the book that were difficult to show and bring alive, physically. Especially since they didn't have the Harry Potter team with them. I shouldn't compare it to Harry Potter. HP PWNS. TWILIGHT LOSES. 

My mood is a bit better. Love dove has promised some CCO shopping this week, and I am super excited. We were supposed to go today, but his dad was like "no no no I want to go salksldkfasjdflkdf" thus ruining MY plans of spending tons of money. It was his birthday yesterday though, so I guess it's OK. Love dove said Tuesday. I shall cross my fingers, and I shall hope that my phone is here by then. It should be here very soon. And I will try not to spend too much money. I really only want a few things, eyeshadows, powder or two, maybe lipstick. NOT a lot. I swear. I swear. 

I ordered some nail polishes. I have no idea when they will arrive. It has not showed up on my bank statement yet. I ordered some stuff from American Apparel because I felt like I needed it after my horrible day (Monday when my phone was stolen), and there were a few things I really, really super wanted. I also ordered my new flat iron with the free blow dryer and some new heat protectant to test it out. I forgot to order a new epilator. Hmph. Birthday presents! I ordered some Stila stuff. I love Stila. Love. I ordered a lot of stuff, so I have lots of stuff coming my way very soon! Yay! My phone should arrive first, then the American Apparel. I have no idea when the flat iron is coming. The order hasn't been fully processed yet. The Stila stuff is being shipped as we speak. So I'm good on that stuff. No More Shopping. I also bought a scarf and a handbag from Target. I think that's all I got there, though. Oh, I got some lipstick. It's Rimmel something or other in Airy Fairy. It's a very pretty pink color. Goodness, I shop a lot! I should buy some new underclothes. MY DOG KEEPS EATING THEM. He's a bad dog. 

s

I must remember to send the fork to T before I turn into that asshole who is like "just a few more weeks, and I'll get it done" and then never gets it done. I suck. 

So--I dropped my math class. I never went, and I didn't want to get an F, so I just dropped it. I'm not full-time anymore, and that's fine with me. I really didn't like taking that class anyway. I seem to be doing OK in every other regard. Well, not really. I'm fucking up hardcore. My moods. I have to get this shit under control. It is really bad. I am unable to motivate myself to do much of anything. I have been sleeping on and off for days. So at least I am getting sleep sometimes. Some days I dont' sleep at all. Some days that is all I do. I need to call my psychiatrist, but I don't feel like dealing with the bureaucracy of doing that. 

I have more money in my bank account than I thought I did. So I've either done my math wrong and spent money I've forgotten about, or I'm awesomely NOT spending too much money. Yay me! I really really want my flat iron to get here. I want to try the new blow dryer more than anything, but I really need a new flat iron. My other one is all tired and whatnot. I've dropped it too many times. I was going to get a more expensive flat iron, but I figure since my hair is only slightly wavy, I don't need any super heavy duty awesome flat iron. I just need one that works. So I'm buying one that works. And it's pink! Just like my other one. The happy thing is that the new blow dryer will match it, and it's from the same company. I like that. 

I've been printing out all my wish lists for my birthday just to give them to Love Dove, but it's mostly to keep myself from adding more to them. I don't want to waste paper, so I don't want to add more things to it and have to print out another copy. So I'm printing them all out to help him in his search for the perfect gift, and I'm keeping myself from overwhelming him (all of them have many overlapping items which should give him a pretty good indication of exactly which things to purchase). I love his gifts more than anything. He always gives me the perfect thing, even if I don't tell him what to get. Of course, there is no topping last year's gift. He rules. I must buy him some amazing thing(s) for his birthday. I have a few ideas, but I'm not sure. I want to make sure that I'm buying something he'll want, and not something I want for him. Comprendez? 

I am sleepy. And babbling. 

The new puppy is a nuisance. He wakes up before me every morning and doesn't wake me up to let me know he needs to go outside to relieve himself. He just does it on my carpet. BAD DOG. All he has to do is bite my face or something, and I'll take him out, but noooooooooooooo he just hops off the bed and shits in the floor. Luckily he's a small dog. End of shit talk. 

Good day! 

OK.

I am feeling a lot better right now than I have in past weeks, and that seems like it should be fantastic. We will see how long it lasts. It seems that when I take my medicine, everything feels worse. And no one listens. No one helps. It feels as if no one cares. I would not know. I cannot read their minds. 

I do not have much to add in terms of makeup. I have a great desire to buy a LOT of things, but I am trying to tell myself that I just don't need these things. I just don't need these things. But I need them! It's causing a lot of inner-conflict, as if I don't have enough of that already. I've been eyeing those MAC grand duos for a while, and I really want just one. Just one of them. I just want ONE. And while I'm buying that one, I figure some lip gloss can't hurt. Or an MSF. Or any other thing I might buy. This is hard. It is really hard. 

I am planning on getting a tattoo, and I'm trying to tell myself that since it's permanent it's better than makeup, and I shouldn't buy any of the MAC things I want until AFTER I have my beautiful tattoo. I have planned the size, shape, color, placement, etc. perfectly. Now I just have to get it. And I am determined. I really want this tattoo. 

Early yesterday morning, I caved and read the portion of Midnight Sun that is on Stephanie Meyer's website. I had to. And I must say that it is infinitely better than the  Twilight books. She seems better at writing from an older vampire's point of view than that of a seventeen year old girl. Obviously it still carries all the teenage drama and theatrics, but Edward makes it all the more beautiful and kind, and it is nice to know that he feels like a total creep sneaking into her bedroom at night. I am sad that she has no finished this book now. Maybe what Stephanie Meyer's whole problem is that she just can't write well from a juvenile perspective. As Edward has lived quite a bit longer than Bella, he sees the world as a much older adult would, and that is how Midnight Sun is written. I believe what she has posted on her website is really wonderful, and I hope that she completes it and continues to write from Edward's perspective. It adds a lot to the entire saga. As anyone who reads my blog regularly knows, I think the Twilight books are mostly garbage, but what she did writing from Edward's perspective somehow changes it, makes it better. I simply read it out of curiosity, and it was only 200 pages or so, and I am shocked to say that I think it's really good. It's actually pretty well written, especially as compared to her other books. I am unsure as to why Meyer did not write it that way from the beginning. Not only does it give a certain uniqueness to the whole premise, but the story makes a lot more sense through his eyes, and he seems quite a bit less controlling and creepy. It is a shame that the author is too stupid to realize this and is instead being petulant that "oh no it leaked!! wah wah wah" and has postponed its release indefinitely. That is a mistake, a huge mistake on her part. I knew she wasn't very intelligent. 

I have little else to say. I will not bother.