I want to be asleep right now.

Seriously. 

My mind cannot focus long enough for me to finish my brilliant thoughts. I started to write something about my philosophies on certain things, and I lost my train of thought within three sentences. This problem is not new, though. The only time I am able to write a lengthy piece on anything is when it is for school, and it has a due date, and I am given some kind of direction. 

I am very seriously considering making a documentary. I really want to, but I don't currently have the proper equipment. Luckily, I am capable of getting my hands on the proper equipment if need be. I must put together a plan, and I will see how I feel about it. I feel very bouncy and creative lately. 

I plan to do some shopping today, as usual. I hope my medication will help with this. I don't want to feel like I need this, letting it control my emotions. I don't like it. Really. 

I am supposed to see my cousin and the baby on Sunday (or Monday), but I seem to have caught the nasty cold my parents have, and there is no way in hell I'm going to give this shit to a newborn. Besides, I'll probably be in hospital by then. I am terrified of this cold. I am terrified of getting really sick. I am just terrified. 

So my boyfriend had a pretty good opportunity to visit me at a decent hour, like when I'm not supposed to be sleeping, and he opted not to do so. I cannot accurately describe the way this makes me feel, but really---I tire of these things very quickly. He does not seem to understand the way I operate, and though my medications have certainly mellowed the sharper edges of my personality, I am still capable of being just as aloof as ever and forgetting and letting go and not being concerned about it. I don't believe he understands how I've handled all previous relationships, romantic or otherwise. I suppose he has been conditioned to believe I am needy enough to sit around waiting. I'm not. 

^^ That doesn't mean anything significant. 

I will return to my sleep attempts now.

Yellow.

I have to be up earlier than usual tomorrow, but I cannot sleep right now. I was trying to read Twilight to go to sleep, but that was a fail because reading it once (or twice...) was too much for me.  

Apparently my obsessions and compulsions (mostly the obsessions, since they are most persistent) can be treated with a different medication. So my therapist has instructed me to ingrain into my psychiatrist that I'm still having negative symptoms. I suppose that I'm so accustomed to living with obsessions (not so much the weird compulsions; they are new) that I don't notice them as much as I do the compulsions. I don't know how I feel about that, but I guess the OCD could be better controlled. I just like consistency. My therapist also pointed out that my fixation with the color yellow is particularly odd, since yellow is not a particularly soothing color. 

I have no faith in this Seche Vite topcoat anymore. None. I have had my nails painted for three and a half days, and they are chipped. I could blame this on typing, but I haven't really been typing, just watching YT videos like a really, really sluggish zombie. I can't concentrate on anything else. I tried to re-read lots of books, and it just won't work. So anyway--nails are chipped. I am displeased. Since I can't handle its high maintenance, I won't bother repurchasing once mine gets too hard. That is fucking ridiculous. 

I'm supposed to go visit my cousin on Wednesday. Now that the day is closer, I really don't feel like driving all the way out there, but I said I would, so I should. So I probably will. 

I watched The Bachelorette last night with my mom. Not only is that show quite possibly the most disgusting display of "reality" I have ever seen, but the woman on there is fucking STUPID. It is not cute. 

I don't like that my computer gets dirty on the inside. I have to clean around the hinge and space between the screen and the ...body? with a Q-tip. It's really annoying. It should have come with a lifetime supply of computer (and eco-) friendly cleaning supplies. Seriously. 

I suppose that there isn't much else to say. 

Compulsions, forgetting, shopping, and how it all affects my mood.

If we're all aware that I've got a moderate-severe case of OCD, then we know that I sometimes act compulsively, give in to compulsions, or feel compelled to do strange things. And obsess. It's really fun. 

So I have this compulsion, occasionally, to buy things. If you've read the blog, the whole thing, you should notice that I have, in the past, said that I just "need to have new things" sometimes, at random times. I'm almost like that person with the house full of weird objects that are covered in dust, almost. Because of this compulsion I have boxes and boxes of shoes I don't wear, really cute dresses that I never wear, books that I don't have time to read, movies I won't bother watching, glitter palettes that I will never use, ten different mascaras, tons of different moisturizing products, four different shampoos, five leave-in conditioners, and who knows how many makeup brushes. 

The worst part is that I hate things. I hate having Things. I hate being surrounded by Things. All of these Things cause me a lot of stress.  Things, things, things. Things. Things drive me crazy, yet my first crazy compels me to want and buy and fill my space with Things. Fuck my life.

I forget to take my meds a lot. This happens. When this happens, I feel like shit, and I don't want to do anything but wallow in my pain and whatever else I'm feeling as a result of not remembering to take my meds. This means I miss important classes. I miss important things. Then, after I've missed these important things I decide to check if I took my meds, and look---I didn't. I did not take my fucking meds. So this whole fucking myself over hardcore thing could have been avoided if I'd just taken the fucking pills. Seriously---that's just stupid. 

Yesterday love dove and I visited his parents who happen to live close to outlets, and that means CCO, and that means I had to go shopping. I practiced very serious restraint and only bought two things, but it was very difficult. I bought MAC MSF natural in medium (which is not my color) and an eyeshadow I didn't need because I'm sure I already  have that color, but oh well--it was discounted! Again with the compulsions. Then I started feeling very ill and unwell, as I always feel when I visit his parents' new home. I blame the drive. 

And this morning I ordered a nail polish. It's green and cute. After that, an octopus pendant arrived. Then a few more nail polishes arrived. And I still don't have pink nail polish. How odd. 

And all this while I wasn't at school learning and getting my money's worth (or, rather, my parents' money's worth) because I forgot to take my medicine. 

This all makes me want to hurt myself. It damages my self-esteem, and most importantly, it damages my GPA. If I could cry, that's what I'd be doing. If I could panic, that's what I'd be doing. But I can't. And I shouldn't anyway. I fucked up. I am a little fucked, maybe. Life is about more than a GPA. This will not ruin my life. This will not kill me. It is OK. 

Right? 

Maybe. 

P.S. my boyfriend is an amazing human being and should be canonized in all four possible ways.