Every time I see my psychiatrist, I tell him I can't focus on anything, and I can't concentrate, and I TRY to begin to explain how school works for me (which is a fucking disaster), and I never get to finish. He always interrupts me. My therapist has advised me to just ask him to consider ADHD meds instead of so much anxiety crap because she notices a lot of ADHD symptoms, and since she spends more time with me, I trust her more, particularly since my psychiatrist (and his FUCKING CUNT of a nurse) doesn't really pay attention to the nuances of my bullshit. However, ADHD could explain lack of concentration and focus, anxiety, irritability--pretty much every problem I have, except the moths and the cardboard.
When I first went to see the doctor, he had two umbrella diagnoses for me: severe anxiety disorder(s) and ADHD. He decided to go with the anxiety since I had so many symptoms of panic disorder, which makes sense. However, I still can't do anything productive all that well, no matter how motivated I am or how badly I want to or anything. I really do try. And I admit that sometimes I am just lazy, but even then---that's not really my nature. I don't know how to explain anything. I am working it out in therapy slowly. Admitting to being lazy at times (like with math) is a very important step. And my mom says therapy is useless. My mother also believes I am dishonest with my therapist about how irritable I am, which is nonsense. I have straight up told my therapist that I almost HATE being around other people for any length of time because I am so easily irritated. And I'm pretty sure my boyfriend could back me up on that. SO hmph!
I'm starting to organize my thoughts for my presentation on Monday. I e-mailed a very disorganized outline to my partner. I hope it doesn't scare the crap out of her. She's already like done a lot of research and written out her little speech, and I'm like "well I think I'm gonna talk about this and this but not this, so you should talk about this..." like it's day one. I promised her that it will all be there on Monday though, even if I don't seem prepared right now (even though I am). I have my process. She doesn't know me or my process, and she has no reason to trust it. So. I hope she's not like "omgwhathaveIdonebypartneringwiththisgirl?!" and horrified.
So this Twilight soundtrack is still amazing, and you're still missing out. Hardcore. I also happen to know that the best song on the soundtrack, the best song in the whole movie, was handpicked by my Kristen Stewart. ha! I still wonder if perhaps she's into the ladies. I'd totally date her. Or move to Iowa and marry her. In a second. (this is based on more than the movie. I promise.) Moving on.
I want this lipgloss. It's red. It has green flecks of glitter in it. NEED. I have a huge list of "things I need" at the moment, and it needs to just go away. It's mostly lip gloss.
Oh, btw, today I bought the Jergens Natural Glow Mousse stuff instead of the lotion b/c I'm running out of the lotion, and I needed more, and I was only going to Publix (the worst store in existence...ugh), and the only one they had in my color was the mousse, so I had to get that one. It does dry really fast, but it also feels really streaky because it dries so quickly that I can't get it smoothed around to different places quickly enough. And it's hard to get out. The pump thing is very resistant. And yeah. I don't know if I like it better than the lotion yet. I only put it on my legs since they're so resistant to color. It's really strange because my feet take the color, and my legs don't. So my feet are tanned. My arms are tanned. My neck, face, and ears are tanned. My torso is tanned. My legs are not. And that's really where I want the color the most because I have so many bruises that need to be covered up by the color. Hideous bruises. I'm really starting to think I have cancer or something. It's fucking ridiculous--- -25lbs and bruises? and headaches? and my nose bleeding like every five minutes and not wanting to stop? AND stuff...ufalsiduf. Hypochondriac. I'm not a hypochondriac. I just tell myself that to feel comforted. Anyway---the mousse stuff does make my skin feel very soft, but then, my legs have always been really soft. And since I shaved TODAY, I'm sure that helps. So we'll see how this mousse goes. I might just buy that fake tanner that you put on that lasts until the next time you shower when I want my legs to be colored since they are so resistant.
I missed all of my naps today. Exhausted.
I totally forgot that a certain important date is coming up until a couple of days ago, and apparently the person with whom I share this anniversary is also quite forgetful (or uninterested, oh he'd never). I'm really surprised I'm able to keep up with it, actually. I tend to be really, really bad about remember that kind of stuff. But not this time. I think I might have therapy that day. Oh, it's the day after. Yes. Therapy is the day after the anniversary. Anyway. That should be fun. Like two weeks. (or two and a half...).
I'm sleepy. I suppose I shall slumber.
