I don't really have much to say.

I've been experiencing a high level of anxiety lately, so I have been utilizing my prescription medications, which I never do, in order to not drive myself crazy in the middle of the night. I am sure that if I had always done that, I probably would not have made so many stupid decisions in the past. Oh, the past. Sometimes it's so hard to let it go and look forward, but if there is not much to which to look forward, how do you make yourself do it? I try. I am trying. I have faith in justice.

I'm just listening to Amanda Palmer and the Dresden Dolls right now. There isn't any other music in my collection that I want to hear.

Last night I slept a normal amount, and I woke up at a brilliant time, perfect for getting things done that I needed to do. Unfortunately, after my shower and makeup application, something clicked in my head that made me sad and lethargic, so I went back to sleep. I slept almost the entire day. I definitely got a lot of sleep today. Maybe I really needed to get all that sleep. I do feel a lot better in terms of the anxiety I have been experiencing. I also just took a bunch of medication to help me be calm, so I can go to sleep at a normal time tonight. I need to go to the bank and deposit my check from my last job.

I was cast as an extra in a movie called Terminal, but I didn't actually do anything on film. I sat in holding for five hours, and I still got paid. At least half of the people cast were also sitting with me. I'm not sure why they hired so many people when they were not going to use all of us. Oh well.

I am getting awfully sleepy. I guess it's time I went to sleep.

Shpilkes!*

I am about to have a heart attack or something. It's painful.

I have discovered a new compulsion: the compulsion to have new things. Many people who suffer from OCD have this problem. These are the people who have houses full of random objects with which they refuse to part, ever, until they die. They have to save their medicine bottles, newspapers, boxes, books, possibly even paper towels. I have a space filled with books, papers, shoes, makeup, makeup packaging, clothes, storage devices not currently in use, a guitar I never play, a keyboard I never play anymore, dust bunnies, makeup catalogues, college application forms that I will never use, plastic bags, cardboard boxes (evil cardboard! eiw.), paper that needs to be recycled, bedding packaging, handbags, stuffed animals, protest signs, posters, collectibles, empty plastic containers waiting to be recycled, lotions, water bottles, beer glasses that I don't use, DVDs that I don't watch, clothes I don't wear,  OHMYKOSHERMEATS THIS IS INSANE. I add to this pile at least once a week. I must add to this pile at least once a week, twice preferably. I am filled with extreme anxiety if I am unable to add new things, yet I don't need new things (except purple nail polish--I still need that). It's disgusting. I must speak to my therapist. This will be top priority next Monday when I see her, after I've bought some mousse for my hair and some nail polish and some eyeliner and an eyebrow pencil and maybe some foundation or mascara or a foundation primer or something really, really important like that. 

I think I am developing some sort of mania. That is priority two for therapy. This is important. I should write this on some paper that can accompany me to therapy. I am going to do it. I am going to write this shit on a piece of paper and stick it in my purse. That's what I'm doing. I don't think there are types of mania, diagnostically, but for sure I have manic episodes, just not real ones. I guess that makes no sense. 

Anyway, that's happening, and it's weird, and I don't like it. 

I am drinking 125 calories of delicious goodness right now! Vitamin Water XXX. Love it. 

*Shpilkes - noun. Nervous energy. (Yiddish)

Birthdays and Being Realistic

Today is my lovey's birthday, and I am super excited because I feel like I have finally had the chance to give him a really cool birthday present. I feel like I always give him really lame gifts. :o/ I hope this one is spectacular and that he loves it and all that cool stuff. 

I have been playing around with my nail polishes, and I decided that for this week my nails will be coated with OPI's Clubbin' Til Sunrise and China Glaze's Orange Marmalade. They make a really nice combination. It's very pretty and orange and glittery and nice. I also think that it will go really well with Love Dove's and my birthday activity tomorrow! :oD There was a more appropriate color I thought about using, but I was really in the mood to play, so I'm playing. Of course, in the process I managed to get nail polish on my new quilt! I hate myself. 

I am really, really anxious about tomorrow because I am horrified that something will go horribly awry, and I just want everything to be happy and fun and perfect. I have knots in my tummy! No party here! and I can't sleep, though I need to sleep really well in order to really give Love Dove a spectacular birthday. I haven't been this anxious in almost a year. I am so unaccustomed to feeling this way all of a sudden. It used to be routine. I like that it's not, but I really don't like it! Ugh. 

I am trying to form a realistic wish list with items that I can actually afford to buy for myself on a regular basis. I make these kinds of lists to remember things I want to try and remember things I really like and want to continue purchasing/using. Believe it or not, I can forget anything. 

This list includes a few unique makeup brushes (which generally don't need to be repurchased), one mascara, two or three eyeshadows, a couple of eyeshadow palettes (that won't need to be repurchased for a really long time), and more MSFs from MAC. 

My NYX Doll Eye mascara should be on its way to my house, assuming the person with whom I arranged the swap isn't a nasty swaplifter. It's OK if she is, but I'd like to get something out of it. I checked her swap tokens and all that stuff, and she had positive reviews, so I assume she's good for it. I cannot wait to try it. The problem is that I have already found my Holy Grail mascara, so why do I need to try more? Probably because my Holy Grail mascara is amazing and expensive as shit. But it's good, very good. I love it. 

Now I think I can manage sleep or something close. 

I shall be the brownest white girl you know.

Every time I see my psychiatrist, I tell him I can't focus on anything, and I can't concentrate, and I TRY to begin to explain how school works for me (which is a fucking disaster), and I never get to finish. He always interrupts me. My therapist has advised me to just ask him to consider ADHD meds instead of so much anxiety crap because she notices a lot of ADHD symptoms, and since she spends more time with me, I trust her more, particularly since my psychiatrist (and his FUCKING CUNT of a nurse) doesn't really pay attention to the nuances of my bullshit. However, ADHD could explain lack of concentration and focus, anxiety, irritability--pretty much every problem I have, except the moths and the cardboard.

When I first went to see the doctor, he had two umbrella diagnoses for me: severe anxiety disorder(s) and ADHD. He decided to go with the anxiety since I had so many symptoms of panic disorder, which makes sense. However, I still can't do anything productive all that well, no matter how motivated I am or how badly I want to or anything. I really do try. And I admit that sometimes I am just lazy, but even then---that's not really my nature. I don't know how to explain anything. I am working it out in therapy slowly. Admitting to being lazy at times (like with math) is a very important step. And my mom says therapy is useless. My mother also believes I am dishonest with my therapist about how irritable I am, which is nonsense. I have straight up told my therapist that I almost HATE being around other people for any length of time because I am so easily irritated. And I'm pretty sure my boyfriend could back me up on that. SO hmph! 

I'm starting to organize my thoughts for my presentation on Monday. I e-mailed a very disorganized outline to my partner. I hope it doesn't scare the crap out of her. She's already like done a lot of research and written out her little speech, and I'm like "well I think I'm gonna talk about this and this but not this, so you should talk about this..." like it's day one. I promised her that it will all be there on Monday though, even if I don't seem prepared right now (even though I am). I have my process. She doesn't know me or my process, and she has no reason to trust it. So. I hope she's not like "omgwhathaveIdonebypartneringwiththisgirl?!" and horrified. 

So this Twilight soundtrack is still amazing, and you're still missing out. Hardcore. I also happen to know that the best song on the soundtrack, the best song in the whole movie, was handpicked by my Kristen Stewart. ha! I still wonder if perhaps she's into the ladies. I'd totally date her. Or move to Iowa and marry her. In a second. (this is based on more than the movie. I promise.) Moving on. 

I want this lipgloss. It's red. It has green flecks of glitter in it. NEED. I have a huge list of "things I need" at the moment, and it needs to just go away. It's mostly lip gloss. 

Oh, btw, today I bought the Jergens Natural Glow Mousse stuff instead of the lotion b/c I'm running out of the lotion, and I needed more, and I was only going to Publix (the worst store in existence...ugh), and the only one they had in my color was the mousse, so I had to get that one. It does dry really fast, but it also feels really streaky because it dries so quickly that I can't get it smoothed around to different places quickly enough. And it's hard to get out. The pump thing is very resistant. And yeah. I don't know if I like it better than the lotion yet. I only put it on my legs since they're so resistant to color. It's really strange because my feet take the color, and my legs don't. So my feet are tanned. My arms are tanned. My neck, face, and ears are tanned. My torso is tanned. My legs are not. And that's really where I want the color the most because I have so many bruises that need to be covered up by the color. Hideous bruises. I'm really starting to think I have cancer or something. It's fucking ridiculous--- -25lbs and bruises? and headaches? and my nose bleeding like every five minutes and not wanting to stop? AND stuff...ufalsiduf. Hypochondriac. I'm not a hypochondriac. I just tell myself that to feel comforted. Anyway---the mousse stuff does make my skin feel very soft, but then, my legs have always been really soft. And since I shaved TODAY, I'm sure that helps. So we'll see how this mousse goes. I might just buy that fake tanner that you put on that lasts until the next time you shower when I want my legs to be colored since they are so resistant. 

I missed all of my naps today. Exhausted. 

I totally forgot that a certain important date is coming up until a couple of days ago, and apparently the person with whom I share this anniversary is also quite forgetful (or uninterested, oh he'd never). I'm really surprised I'm able to keep up with it, actually. I tend to be really, really bad about remember that kind of stuff. But not this time. I think I might have therapy that day. Oh, it's the day after. Yes. Therapy is the day after the anniversary. Anyway. That should be fun. Like two weeks. (or two and a half...). 

I'm sleepy. I suppose I shall slumber. 

Ich kann nicht schlaffen!

I love bad German!

Anyway, I can't sleep. I haven't been sleeping well lately at all, and it's driving me nuts.

I am very displeased with my speech for my public speaking class in 7 hours. I do not have the energy to improve upon it though.

Frown.