Journaling!

I'm journaling. I bought a cute Wizard of Oz journal. It adds incentive, or more incentive anyway.

Straight Sexy Hair straightening balm (I think?) smells delicious, and I want to sniff it all the time.

Therapy today. It went well enough. I used the word "fuck" TWICE for the first time in over a year. It just happened. Oh well.

I went to the zoo, man. I love the zoo. I got a poster! and a mug! and a mood ring. THAT IS RIGHT. I got a sweet mood ring. I forgot that I find mood rings to be extremely entertaining. My temperature always yields a blue color (or black when I'm sleeping).

Super fun.

I gave the boyfriend a new gnome, and he left it here.

Now, I am ruminating. This is what I do. I ruminate. This is why I must journal.

Yellow.

I have to be up earlier than usual tomorrow, but I cannot sleep right now. I was trying to read Twilight to go to sleep, but that was a fail because reading it once (or twice...) was too much for me.  

Apparently my obsessions and compulsions (mostly the obsessions, since they are most persistent) can be treated with a different medication. So my therapist has instructed me to ingrain into my psychiatrist that I'm still having negative symptoms. I suppose that I'm so accustomed to living with obsessions (not so much the weird compulsions; they are new) that I don't notice them as much as I do the compulsions. I don't know how I feel about that, but I guess the OCD could be better controlled. I just like consistency. My therapist also pointed out that my fixation with the color yellow is particularly odd, since yellow is not a particularly soothing color. 

I have no faith in this Seche Vite topcoat anymore. None. I have had my nails painted for three and a half days, and they are chipped. I could blame this on typing, but I haven't really been typing, just watching YT videos like a really, really sluggish zombie. I can't concentrate on anything else. I tried to re-read lots of books, and it just won't work. So anyway--nails are chipped. I am displeased. Since I can't handle its high maintenance, I won't bother repurchasing once mine gets too hard. That is fucking ridiculous. 

I'm supposed to go visit my cousin on Wednesday. Now that the day is closer, I really don't feel like driving all the way out there, but I said I would, so I should. So I probably will. 

I watched The Bachelorette last night with my mom. Not only is that show quite possibly the most disgusting display of "reality" I have ever seen, but the woman on there is fucking STUPID. It is not cute. 

I don't like that my computer gets dirty on the inside. I have to clean around the hinge and space between the screen and the ...body? with a Q-tip. It's really annoying. It should have come with a lifetime supply of computer (and eco-) friendly cleaning supplies. Seriously. 

I suppose that there isn't much else to say. 

Shpilkes!*

I am about to have a heart attack or something. It's painful.

I have discovered a new compulsion: the compulsion to have new things. Many people who suffer from OCD have this problem. These are the people who have houses full of random objects with which they refuse to part, ever, until they die. They have to save their medicine bottles, newspapers, boxes, books, possibly even paper towels. I have a space filled with books, papers, shoes, makeup, makeup packaging, clothes, storage devices not currently in use, a guitar I never play, a keyboard I never play anymore, dust bunnies, makeup catalogues, college application forms that I will never use, plastic bags, cardboard boxes (evil cardboard! eiw.), paper that needs to be recycled, bedding packaging, handbags, stuffed animals, protest signs, posters, collectibles, empty plastic containers waiting to be recycled, lotions, water bottles, beer glasses that I don't use, DVDs that I don't watch, clothes I don't wear,  OHMYKOSHERMEATS THIS IS INSANE. I add to this pile at least once a week. I must add to this pile at least once a week, twice preferably. I am filled with extreme anxiety if I am unable to add new things, yet I don't need new things (except purple nail polish--I still need that). It's disgusting. I must speak to my therapist. This will be top priority next Monday when I see her, after I've bought some mousse for my hair and some nail polish and some eyeliner and an eyebrow pencil and maybe some foundation or mascara or a foundation primer or something really, really important like that. 

I think I am developing some sort of mania. That is priority two for therapy. This is important. I should write this on some paper that can accompany me to therapy. I am going to do it. I am going to write this shit on a piece of paper and stick it in my purse. That's what I'm doing. I don't think there are types of mania, diagnostically, but for sure I have manic episodes, just not real ones. I guess that makes no sense. 

Anyway, that's happening, and it's weird, and I don't like it. 

I am drinking 125 calories of delicious goodness right now! Vitamin Water XXX. Love it. 

*Shpilkes - noun. Nervous energy. (Yiddish)

I shall be the brownest white girl you know.

Every time I see my psychiatrist, I tell him I can't focus on anything, and I can't concentrate, and I TRY to begin to explain how school works for me (which is a fucking disaster), and I never get to finish. He always interrupts me. My therapist has advised me to just ask him to consider ADHD meds instead of so much anxiety crap because she notices a lot of ADHD symptoms, and since she spends more time with me, I trust her more, particularly since my psychiatrist (and his FUCKING CUNT of a nurse) doesn't really pay attention to the nuances of my bullshit. However, ADHD could explain lack of concentration and focus, anxiety, irritability--pretty much every problem I have, except the moths and the cardboard.

When I first went to see the doctor, he had two umbrella diagnoses for me: severe anxiety disorder(s) and ADHD. He decided to go with the anxiety since I had so many symptoms of panic disorder, which makes sense. However, I still can't do anything productive all that well, no matter how motivated I am or how badly I want to or anything. I really do try. And I admit that sometimes I am just lazy, but even then---that's not really my nature. I don't know how to explain anything. I am working it out in therapy slowly. Admitting to being lazy at times (like with math) is a very important step. And my mom says therapy is useless. My mother also believes I am dishonest with my therapist about how irritable I am, which is nonsense. I have straight up told my therapist that I almost HATE being around other people for any length of time because I am so easily irritated. And I'm pretty sure my boyfriend could back me up on that. SO hmph! 

I'm starting to organize my thoughts for my presentation on Monday. I e-mailed a very disorganized outline to my partner. I hope it doesn't scare the crap out of her. She's already like done a lot of research and written out her little speech, and I'm like "well I think I'm gonna talk about this and this but not this, so you should talk about this..." like it's day one. I promised her that it will all be there on Monday though, even if I don't seem prepared right now (even though I am). I have my process. She doesn't know me or my process, and she has no reason to trust it. So. I hope she's not like "omgwhathaveIdonebypartneringwiththisgirl?!" and horrified. 

So this Twilight soundtrack is still amazing, and you're still missing out. Hardcore. I also happen to know that the best song on the soundtrack, the best song in the whole movie, was handpicked by my Kristen Stewart. ha! I still wonder if perhaps she's into the ladies. I'd totally date her. Or move to Iowa and marry her. In a second. (this is based on more than the movie. I promise.) Moving on. 

I want this lipgloss. It's red. It has green flecks of glitter in it. NEED. I have a huge list of "things I need" at the moment, and it needs to just go away. It's mostly lip gloss. 

Oh, btw, today I bought the Jergens Natural Glow Mousse stuff instead of the lotion b/c I'm running out of the lotion, and I needed more, and I was only going to Publix (the worst store in existence...ugh), and the only one they had in my color was the mousse, so I had to get that one. It does dry really fast, but it also feels really streaky because it dries so quickly that I can't get it smoothed around to different places quickly enough. And it's hard to get out. The pump thing is very resistant. And yeah. I don't know if I like it better than the lotion yet. I only put it on my legs since they're so resistant to color. It's really strange because my feet take the color, and my legs don't. So my feet are tanned. My arms are tanned. My neck, face, and ears are tanned. My torso is tanned. My legs are not. And that's really where I want the color the most because I have so many bruises that need to be covered up by the color. Hideous bruises. I'm really starting to think I have cancer or something. It's fucking ridiculous--- -25lbs and bruises? and headaches? and my nose bleeding like every five minutes and not wanting to stop? AND stuff...ufalsiduf. Hypochondriac. I'm not a hypochondriac. I just tell myself that to feel comforted. Anyway---the mousse stuff does make my skin feel very soft, but then, my legs have always been really soft. And since I shaved TODAY, I'm sure that helps. So we'll see how this mousse goes. I might just buy that fake tanner that you put on that lasts until the next time you shower when I want my legs to be colored since they are so resistant. 

I missed all of my naps today. Exhausted. 

I totally forgot that a certain important date is coming up until a couple of days ago, and apparently the person with whom I share this anniversary is also quite forgetful (or uninterested, oh he'd never). I'm really surprised I'm able to keep up with it, actually. I tend to be really, really bad about remember that kind of stuff. But not this time. I think I might have therapy that day. Oh, it's the day after. Yes. Therapy is the day after the anniversary. Anyway. That should be fun. Like two weeks. (or two and a half...). 

I'm sleepy. I suppose I shall slumber. 

Forsooth.

I swear I'm not listening to Fall Out Boy. 

So—my mother consistently says she believes my therapist is useless. I tried to tell her that my therapist does quite a lot more for me than the psychiatrist, since all the doctor does is dole out medication and potentially harmful side-effects. My therapist tries to help me think about my problems, take responsibility for the things of which I am able, and be honest with myself. And she's done a good job. I'm better at understanding that I have a certain level of say-so in how I feel today or tomorrow or how I felt yesterday, and I have a say-so in how I deal with it, even if I have to fight with my head a little. I also understand that I cannot hide behind anxiety, which is a really easy thing to do. It's incredibly easy to run away from things when you have mental illness on your side, or in your head. "I can't deal with that because it makes me anxious." The more I say that, the more anxious I get, and the fewer things I am able to do. I still have to acknowledge the anxiety, but I should not hide behind it. That's not a happy existence at all. Anyway--she helps me with that stuff. That's more important than handing me some Xanax and telling me to do with it whatever I want (which is basically what the doctor does, very strange, these psychiatrists). 

I have definitely seen an increase in headaches since I started the new medication, but I have also seen an increase in pollen and stress and allergies going nuts. That's another thing my therapist helps me sort. Is this psychosomatic? Is this a real side-effect? Am I paranoid? I appraise things now. It's much safer that way. 

Today my mother took me shopping with her, and then she didn't buy anything for herself even though I totally kept trying to drag her to things she'd want to buy. I was done shopping for myself within fifteen minutes and tried things on and sorted through them and only bought five things. My mother proceeded to shop for my sister for about two hours. And she bought herself a pair of socks. Then we came home, and she complained that she didn't get anything for herself. She does that a lot. I think she needs it. Anyway, I got two pairs of super cute shorts and three shirts. Two of the shirts are t-shirts like the one in my post below with my beautiful nail polish. I absolutely love that particular t-shirt, so I bought a white one and a periwinkle one. I was going to get a turquoise-y one, but I decided to just leave it at three of the same shirt. I can go crazy buying the same shirt in millions of colors because I'm weird like that. This particular shirt happens to fit me really well and stuff, though. So hmph. And it's really soft. It's not cheaply made. I love it. And it gave me more purple in my closet. And who doesn't need a white t-shirt? I love it. Anyway, the last shirt I got is a really pretty, royal blue. I have been trying to add a larger variety of colors to my wardrobe lately. All I seem to have is lots of gray, black, and yellow. The two pairs of shorts I got are gray though. One has stripes with cute, white buttons on it, and the other pair is like..idk. They're cute, and they looked cute on me. They're a size 1. I haven't worn a size 1 since I was 13. Forsooth. That was fun to type. 

I love Savage Garden. And I am not ashamed. My iTunes just blessed me with TWO Savage Garden songs in a row on shuffle. Thank you, iTunes. I wonder why no one discusses them anymore. They're totally pop awesomeness. Seriously. 

I am very upset with this Seche Vite topcoat. I had it on my nails for three days, and the shit chipped. Actually, it peeled. I have this problem when I wash my hair of strands of hair sliding beneath my nail polish and peeling it off. I suppose the polish was too thick. At least, that's what I'm telling myself because I spend a lot of time and money making my nails look pretty (and trust me, it's my least favorite thing to do in terms of maintenance). Only one nail chipped. I will fix it, and I will leave the color on my nails. I'm not interested in redoing all of them right now, not with all these headaches. 

I am also really upset that I cannot find the fucking dry shampoo that I want at my Sally's. Why does my Sally's not have it? WHY?! Hmph. I am going to have to find one and buy it because it seems stupid to order it online when I'm sure there is another store nearby, or close enough that it's worth the trip. 

I want bath stuff. I have this urge to take a bubble bath, but I want a very specific sort of bubble bath. Someone buy me bubbles! I generally hate baths, except salt baths. I love salt baths. I should take a salt bath. My skin would be so happy. 

Everyone should take salt baths. 

I have become the bum friend who says "I'll totally send the fork in two weeks..." and then doesn't send the fork. I MUST SEND THAT FORK. I seem to have lost it again. As soon as the semester is over  (one class period! and then a week of finals! eep!), I am cleaning this fucking room. I need summer projects, and this room is a fucking mess. Today I found an old bra that a cat had peed on. I have no idea when this happened, but I have officially banned those beasts from my bedroom. Not only do they make me sick, but apparently they've been doing some unauthorized micturition, and that is unacceptable. Unacceptable. 

So---everything is going to be cleaned, and I'm going to vacuum, and I am going to clean my carpet. I used to do those things weekly, but then I got --sicker and anxious-er and busier (shocking) and just lost my drive. My room used to be pristine. I miss those days. They shall soon return with a vengeance. And while I'm at it, I need to repaint one of my walls. I'm not sure if I still have the paint though. I'll have to ask my dad. Or maybe I can paint it a different color. Pink? Oooh turquoise! That would be pretty, considering that was the original color scheme. And that matches my bed set, if I ever decide to use it. I also need something else on my window. I hate blinds of any sort. I really need super thick drapes that keep out the hot and cold temperatures and the evil light, since I hate all of those things, and I can move them in the mornings (or whenever) when I do my makeup, since that's the only reason I need a window. 

One thing I have always really liked about this fucking house that I hate is that the yard is fantastic and never gets hot. It gets a bit swampy-feeling and mosquito-y, but mosquitoes don't like me, so that's not an issue. It's always really cool in my yard, so it's not too bad to go outside and sit in the summer time because there are so many trees keeping the air nice and cool and oxidized. <-- That's not really the right word to use, but it was fun. Oxygenated. Oxygenated is the correct word, but oxidized is so much more fun. I miss chemistry! And I still want the giant poster of the periodic table of elements to put on my wall. I have to rearrange the furniture in here, too. The bed needs to be on the other side of the room. The chi in here is not good. Yes, I just said CHI. I sound like a bi-polar right now. Awesome. 

I guess I'll go to sleep now. Again. I have been sleeping way too much lately. Way too much.

I just realized that tomorrow I have to run to the library and get that book I need to read for my psychology class because the report is due on Monday. Fuck my weekend. I have too much to do, but I shall focus, and I will get it done (because it's really not that much). I have to do a bit of research on a couple of writers, some historical background, and I have to e-mail my partner, type out the annotated bibliography, plan my speech --sort of, and read that book and write about it. DONE. Two days. Well, two and a half days for the English stuff. I will get it done. 

I really want Vanilla and Mutiny pigments from MAC. Mutiny is limited edition and currently being re-promoted. I need it. I need it. I need it. It's so gorgeous.