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12 October 2008


Wanting is said to be wrong. Fine.

I want things all the time. I never realized how materialistic I am until ---recently. I used to not want things. Now I just want things. I don't need these things. I just want them, not even to use them really, just to have them. It's nothing specific either. Just things. Things to have is what I want. I don't even like Things. They take up space. I want empty space, not space filled with Things, yet I want these Things.

I think it comes from growing up having very little. Or feeling like I had very little. Perhaps I am born to feel cheated. 

Either way, this wanting is bullshit. I want all these things, but I am not mentally stable enough at the moment to have a job and do anything else. I can't do it right now. So I can't do that whole working for the money for the things I want thing, which would be pretty cool. I understand and respect that concept. See? I'm being cheated again. 

So I'd like a job. I'd like to be mentally stable enough to handle a job. I'd like to have a bank account full of monies to be spent on things. And trips. And more things. And not being here. And pajamas. I like pajamas. Things. Things. Things. Things. Material things. Money DOES make me happy. 

Most of all though, I'd really like to miss the wanting. I have been trying to practice this for seven years, this non-wanting. Epic fail. I studied the Buddha, the Tao, everything I could. I practice as best I can. I read the books. I practice the best I can. I read the books. I practice as best I can. What do I want now? I want to be free of wanting.

Wanting. Wanting. Wanting. 

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