AND I couldn't get ANY good pictures of the happy couple at all. I was like "I WANT PICTURES!" but there was just way too much going on. I think I have one or two of their first dance that are good, and that's it. I couldn't get pictures of the cake cutting b/c some douchebag was like "oh, I think I'll stand directly in front of the short girl holding the camera up like she wants to take a picture because I'm just a douche like that." So only like two super cute photos.
Speaking of drunk---my brother has apparently planned some elaborate drinking scheme for my birthday this year. I'm a little frightened, but I suppose it will go well. I am not excited about my birthday at all this year, not even a little bit, except that maybe I'll get presents. I have this feeling that it will, just like every supposed-to-be-big thing in my life, be a huge let down and suck and just----suck. So I have low expectations. That will help. I hate dreading my birthdays. I have always dreaded my birthdays, even when I was a child. Except the time I got the pink cake for which I asked. And the dog cake. And the cookie cake (but I was like 15 when I got that one, and I had good friends then who actually wanted to be make my birthday go well). Now none of my friends know when my birthday is, and the ones who do just don't bother calling or hanging out or anything. Last year I was just happy to not be in the hospital, while my mom was having surgery and crying to all the nurses that she was missing her daughter's birthday, even though I would never believe that she cared to be with me or see me on my birthday considering that she's the one who has always made me dread it. Also, I hate getting phone calls from all my family members who also don't give a shit about me or approve of my life (which is why they don't know about it), etc. Blech.
Everyone is pregnant. My cousin is gigantic. She's due in early June. Her baby shower is next Saturday, and I have my gift hanging out in my closet. The problem is that the drive is going to be horrible. I haven't seen her preggers yet though. She's always been super skinny, like half MY size, and well--I'm interested to see. I'm sure she's still tiny, just with a little fetus hanging out in there somewhere, presumably in the pelvic area.
I'm starting to feel really scared about the new medication my doctor has prescribed. It's supposed to be really effective for what's happening, but it has really scary side effects. It's kind of hardcore. I'm not sure I need something that hardcore, but then again---nothing else is working. :o( If I could cry, I would. the stress is endless.
I find I get grumpy when in a room full of people having fun. Even though I take all these medications which are supposed to remove the social problems, I feel incredibly out of place in those situations. That may have augmented my unpleasant attitude toward the end of the reception. I really didn't want to seem like I wasn't having fun though because Friend really wanted everyone to be happy and having fun and whatnot, of course, and I just suck. I don't have fun. I'm not fun. I don't know how anyone even speaks to me.
Self-esteem is not so good today. I'm glad I can finally admit this: my self-esteem is crap, YET I have managed to remove people who treat me like crap from my life (aside from my family), and my boyfriend doesn't treat me like crap! and I'm not promiscuous. Or abusing any substances. Hmm...........I don't even fit into my own crowd.
I want to go to Lush and sniff soaps. Just sniff them. I don't want to buy any. I just want to sniff them.
I wore my beautiful purple and black dress today with my beautiful black, patent, peep-toe pumps, and I got loads of compliments! So that's nice. Men seem to like me. I think it's just the boobs. And perhaps my beautiful, shiny hair. Or my charm. Yeah. Whatevs. The dress is gorgeous, and I love it so much. The shoes lasted me a good 6 hours with no pain at all. I love those shoes. I was standing most of the time, too, so that's REALLY good. I was the only one there who was wearing relatively high heels who kept her shoes on the whole time. Go me?
I guess I don't have anything interesting to say, except AGAIN, I got a lot of compliments today.
oh--the bouquet toss was totally a cheat. She threw it directly to her friend on purpose. Totally not fair because the last time I HAD THAT SUCKER, and because I had a gimp hand at the time, I was unable to keep it. But technically I caught it and it was mind. Hmph. Ooooh and watching dear Friend getting the garter of bride's leg was hilarious. Instead of pulling the dress up like most people do (which I don't like), he was just ruffling around under her skirt, and it was hilarious, and he couldn't find it to get it, and blah blah blah it was hilarious. Funniest thing this month. Definitely.
Also a friend sent me a comic strip with an octopus and a puffer fish called Odd Fish, and I'm in love with it. I love those octopodes! I wish it wasn't mean to have pet octopodes.
I should prepare for bed now and study a bit.
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